Mondays are typically a little slow at Colin's Coffee. Today is no different. As Bob Dylan quietly plays in the background, I stare out into the bright fall sunshine and ponder many questions. I fill up my coffee mug for the 327th time today and there is one question I cannot get off my mind:
Q: How bad is Michigan sucking?
A: Michigan really, really sucks.
Before I break it down, spare me the whole, "But we need a strong Big Ten so Ohio State can get more respect." Folks, that train left the station in Week Two. There will be, under no circumstances, any respect delved out to the Big Ten in 2014 and none should be. The conference is an absolute disaster. So instead of some phony, "let's all root for each other" BS, let's find joy in mocking the tire-fire that is the University of Michigan football program.
Michigan started the 2013 football season 5-0. With Eminem in the booth looking on, the Wolves defeated their hated rivals from South Bend 41-30 and Kirk Herbstreit declared UM QB Devin Gardner a Heisman Trophy contender. Brady Hoke had the Maize & Blue rolling....
(cue to footage of a car driving, when suddenly the engine starts smoking and the wheels fall off.......)
Since that 5-0 start in 2013, Michigan has four wins and eight losses while playing in the laughable Big Ten. Wait, it gets worse. Their four wins are:
1) A victory over Indiana in which the Hoosiers still scored 47 points.
2) A triple OT victory over a Northwestern team that only won one conference game last season. You may recall it took a miracle "hail mary" kick by UM to even get the game into OT.
3) A revenge win over tiny Appalachian State.
4) A 17 point win over a Miami Redhawks team that didn't win a single game in 2013.
That's it friends. In the last 360 days, Michigan has won four lousy football games over four lousy teams. I'm not sure who won their spring game, Maize or Blue, but I guess we could give them half of a win for that one. Still, if it gets much worse A.D. Dave Brandon might have to resort to pathetic tactics like free tickets with every Coca-Cola purchase just to get any self-respecting Michigan fan to show up to the Big House. Nah, that's just crazy talk.
So what gives? I mean, this doesn't make sense. What in the hell is going up with that team from up North? It's hard to target recruiting. UM hasn't been cleaning up on the trail but this year's senior class was ranked 14th over all in 2010, and the last two Blue classes were 6th and 7th respectively. Nothing Nick Saban would be proud of but still it should be enough to avoid losing two games in 2014 by a combined score of 57-10.
Same goes for the NFL draft. Ten Wolverines have been drafted in the past four years so they do have a handful of players moving to the next level. There is a trickle of talent escaping Ann Arbor.
Is there a point to all this? No, not really. I just suppose that as a lifelong Buckeye fan who lived through the brutal decade of the 90's, suffering gut-wrenching loss after dry-heaving defeat to the Wolverines, I can't help but notice how the 'M'ighty have fallen. No doubt you will get on your feet sooner than later but in the meantime, have fun sucking Michigan. I will be watching. Just to show there are no hard feelings, below I attached a video of the world's biggest firework display. I hear you guys like that sort of thing to cheer you up after a tough loss. Got to go, a customer just walked in.
Colin Gawel has had too much coffee and shouldn't be writing at this moment. Learn more about him and our other Pencilstorm contributors by clicking here.