Blog

On Any Given Sunday - by Pete Vogel

NFL Corporate Headquarters, New York City, USA

Dear Stakeholders:

We had a profitable Fourth Quarter but I know there will be ways to make First Quarter 2016 even more profitable than Fourth Quarter 2015.  We have many high-volume television broadcasts that could net a record yield, so we must attack with a ferocity we haven’t seen in awhile.

For instance, this Sunday our New England branch will be hosting a live television event on primetime with our Denver branch, and we expect the match-up to yield high ratings, perhaps the highest since Fourth Quarter 2015 (when the Green Bay branch hosted the Seattle branch).  With the additions/transfers that have taken place in the last couple of years, we think the product(s) on the field will match the expectations of our shareholders and customers in both the New England and Denver markets.  It’s also possible to yield a big return in other markets as well, given the potential product that will be presented Sunday evening.  

We mustn’t forget the New England branch is currently yielding near-perfect numbers, so we think this will definitely boost ratings.  They could be better at third-down percentages and red-zone efficiency, but their win-loss record is still perfect and sales have been exceptional in the New England Main Office (aka. Gillette Field).  I’ve been in touch with both branch managers – Mr. Bellicheck and Mr. Kubiak – and informed them of the lofty expectations from this live television event.  They said we’ll be proud of the product(s) presented on the playing field and both have enforced this sense of urgency with staff and personnel.  We definitely hope our Denver customers in particular will enjoy the live television broadcast that should warrant the highest Nielsen ratings of First Quarter 2016.  Their transfer from our Indianapolis branch, Mr. Peyton Manning, will not be performing tonight, but we can assure this won’t affect our ratings too drastically.  We’ve embraced a new ad campaign within the Creative Services Team: “Can the unproven second stringer take his place amongst the elite?”  We anticipate high numbers indeed, at least until the beginning of the second session of the broadcast.

I’ve contacted Media Central from the National Broadcasting Corporation [NBC] who is hosting the live television event in front of a sold-out stadium audience, and told the Sunday Night Football Media Team to hype this event to draw in the highest Nielsen Ratings possible.  We’ve had numerous meetings with our Live Broadcast Crew and have told them the gravity of this particular event; so far, Mr. Collingsworth and Mr. Michaels have expressed great enthusiasm over the prospects of the event.  They spent an extra couple days looking through the numbers and feel confident this will be an extremely high yield.  I just hope nothing happens to quell this enthusiasm: We all witnessed the unfortunate event that took place on Thanksgiving day, when a customer was able to break free, run onto the field and express a political/moral/religious cause that disrupted our broadcast.  Hopefully nothing will happen in our Denver Branch this Sunday night.  Nothing ruins a live television event more than spontaneous acts of lunacy.  We can’t afford this kind of mishap on Sunday night.

We’ve hired extra police and security details for this Sunday’s event, largely due to the unforeseen tragedy of Paris a few weeks back.  We hope that no such circumstances will curtail our live feed this Sunday.  It’s important that we’re militant in creating a flawless broadcast for our shareholders and customers.

So far the expectation level has been unsurpassed this Quarter, largely due to the fact that the New England branch has had some negative media fallout due to the Fiscal 2015 Playoff Scandal involving the Indianapolis branch.  All expect some blowback from our New England employee, Mr. Tom Brady, who has done a remarkable job of maintaining his poise while under siege.  If this is the game that he comes unhinged, think of what great television we’ll be broadcasting to our customers?  I’m sure our New England customers won’t find this too enjoyable, but I guarantee the rest of the market would LOVE to see this happen!  I’m practically giddy at the prospects!

It’s very important that we treat this game with the same level of importance as the Playoff Television Broadcasts and the Super Bowl Television Broadcasts.  I cannot be more clear about this: if we want to increase marketshare and surpass our 2015 numbers, tonight has to run smoothly on all cylinders: from media relations, player relations, personnel relations, uniform enforcement, broadcast team, all the way down to cameramen, network liaisons and producers.  This is the game to end all games for First Quarter—we must not screw this up.  And if we do, my meeting with Mr. Goodell this Friday will not be a pleasant one.  We could count our Christmas bonuses goodbye if we screw this up.

Yours,

Mr. I.M.A. Patsy