This is from a 1988 issue of Spy magazine. It's safe to say this campaign was ultimately not a success.
Golden Pear: Whole Foods Opens in Upper Arlington
It feels a lot longer for us Upper Arlington residents who care about food, but for over a year we've had to make do with the cramped, temporary mini-Whole Foods that was scrunched uncomfortably into the Lane Ave. Shopping Center like Woody Allen in a chorus line of Rockettes, but finally the new, spacious Whole Foods has opened up where the old Whole Foods once stood and where Wild Oats stood before that, and it’s pretty great.
First among its virtues is its manageable size. Unlike the Dublin location, the new store doesn’t swallow up Disney World-type acreage. To wit: Disney World is bigger than 17 countries while the Dublin Whole Foods is bigger than 5 of those countries; or at least as big as Tuvalu which coincidentally sounds like an expensive, imported cheese.
This new market comes stocked with all of the quality items you’d expect and a few new tricks to make the UA swells feel like they’re getting the cut above they’re entitled to by virtue of the fact that they’re UA swells. For instance, there's a visible dry-aged steak locker, touch-screen order kiosks at the deli and hot bar, and a cute little bistro called The Social where you can order food and have a draft beer or coffee, provided your caffeine needs can't wait until you get to Colin's Coffee...
On a recent visit to the new digs, I was impressed to see a variety of glassy-eyed whole fish (a sign of freshness) on display – flounder, branzino, and snapper. I'll most definitely be grilling these mothers whole through the summer. And the rest of the selections, from the dairy to the deli, are equally impressive.
I should divulge here that I am a fan of Whole Foods. Now, listen, I would much prefer to be single, have no kids or pets, live downtown, ride a Vespa, dress smartly in skinny chinos, shop every day at the North Market, and scoff knowingly at schmucks who still listen to old-timey devices like the radio, but that ain't my reality. And because I appreciate quality, organic and/or sustainably raised or cultivated foodstuffs without a lot of s**t in them, it follows that I appreciate having a Whole Foods nearby.
Not everyone is as appreciative. One other food reporter was in attendance at the recent media tour of the new store. When I expressed my excitement over a cheese made with beer from Rockmill Brewery in Lancaster, she was quick to point out that the cheese was not made at the brewery, but that the beer was shipped to an Oregon cheesery, added to the product there, then shipped all the way back to Ohio.
Certainly, I agree that shipping the beer to Oregon and the cheese all the way back probably leaves a Sasquatch-sized carbon footprint, but she was leaning on this imperfection to dismiss the store.
I think she saw this cross-country beer-and-cheese long haul as some sort of sin. But to offset that misstep, the market works with a number of Ohio beef, pork, and chicken farmers, gives other Ohio products a place on their shelves, diverts 90% of their waste from the landfill, practices composting, and supplies electric car hook-ups in their parking lot. Isn't it enough to deflect that one blow?
In all fairness, the observation itself was rather vague, but the tone of it seemed leveled at the store and not at Rockmill Brewery. And this is where we are with our food writing these days. There is an unwillingness to embrace anything, um, unhipsterish for lack of a better word; and UA is most definitely a hot bed of unhipsterishness.
I definitely see the value in the city's food writers ignoring restaurant chains so we can devote more space to columns about independent restaurant owners. I even see the value in dismissing crapholes like Kroger and Meijer outright, but Whole Foods? Seems like there are better places at which to aim their culinary vitriol.
The problem is our very tightly knit food community. Everyone knows everyone else and no real criticism can take place for fear of pissing someone off or hurting a friend’s feelings. Real criticism has taken a backseat to glad-handing the "in" kids. This often leads to mediocre food being overpraised or a great store like the new Whole Foods being casually dismissed because there's no local, in-kid connection.
None of this will really affect people in Upper Arlington because people in UA wouldn't know good food if it jumped down their gullets and because they're unaware of the larger food conversation taking place in Columbus anyway. About the only engagement with social media in Arlington is the mommy blogging phenomenon wherein women who can’t stop talking about their kids write about them when there are no other women around to talk about their kids with.
The bottom line is that the new Whole Foods turns out to be the latest, greatest hot spot to eat out in Upper Arlington and not just because of UA's food illiteracy and their overall, bland Caucasian-based tastes, but because it's better than 90% of the actual restaurants in the neighborhood. You probably just won't hear the bloggers — food, mommy, or otherwise — talking about it.
The Real Story Behind Four String Brew
Note: Dan Cochran and his new beer have been everywhere lately. While he has appeared on the cover of Business First along with a snazzy picture in the Alive, his beer, Four String Brew is spreading through Columbus like a dumpster fire on Campus. BW3, Brazenhead, Woodland's are all blowing through kegs and new locations are being announced weekly. There has been much confusion about the origin of this soon to be legendary new brewery. This is how it really happened. -Colin
A few years ago during rehearsal with the Lonely Bones, Dan suddenly stopped playing his trademark walking bass line during "Sad Drive" and said, "Guys, I need to talk to you about something". Herb, Rick and I all exchanged glances and I muttered, "Uh..yeah..sure...what is it?"
We turned down our instruments and picked up our beers and he said, "Guys I've been doing a lot of thinking these days about how much beer our band has been drinking during practice. After practice. Before practice. I mean look at us: It's 9:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning and Herb is already talking about whose turn it is to fly or buy"
Rick chimed in, "Dan, I don't think it's fair to criticize Herb. I mean, it is a legitimate question, that case of Milwaukee's Best is almost gone and it's not going to rebuy itself. And, we still have 14 more songs to run through. If i didn't know you better, I would say it almost sounds like you are suggesting that we run out of beer."
"I've got a bad feeling about this," said Herb.
Dan put down his bass, turned off his amplifier and sat down on the sofa. The room was silent except for the hum of the PA and Colin cracking open the last can of Beast.
"I think our band has a problem," Dan began. "Guys, we need to face the truth, we drink too much beer. And what's worse, we really drink way too much crappy beer."
Colin took a long pull on his can of lukewarm brew and said, "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Guys, I've run the numbers and it turns out that if we just built our own brewery, we would actually SAVE money over the long haul. Instead of running to the Quick-ee mart every 45 minutes, we could brew our own supply. What's even better, you guys know I make the best beer, so we wouldn't have to keep choking down this swill every Sunday morning".
Dan had a point. If he knows two things on this planet better than anybody, it's brewing beer and playing rock n roll. It was only logical. The rock n roll was covered, it was time to get some first class suds up in this place.
"I'm not gonna lie to ya fellas," Dan said. "This isn't going to be easy. It's gonna take a pretty big facility to produce the amount of sauce we need to keep this combo functioning properly. Good thing is I've found a spot right off 5th Avenue in Grandview. And you guys know how I visited hundreds of breweries during my touring days? I wasn't just drinking; I was taking notes and now I know exactly how I want to build it. Rick, didn't you read a book once or something?"
"Actually, Dan, I'm an engineer"
"That's great, Rick. You can help out. Colin and Herb, can you do me a solid and stay away from the brewery until I have a couple batches in the cooler? We'll never get any where with you guys around drinking everything"
Colin and Herb looked at each other and shrugged. "We'll do it on one condition: Once the brewery is up and running, we'll do a show where we can drink as much of your beer as we want," Herb said.
"Yeah," Colin added.
Dan said: "Gentlemen, it's a deal. Now who's up for a case of Keystone Light? Herb, I'll buy if you fly."
Four String Brewing Co. is holding a first anniversary part on Sunday, Feb. 24, at 1025 W. 3rd Av. Two New Beers! Vanilla Porter and Cherry Blonde. DJ Brian Phillips (CD1025, Pencilstorm) will be spinning tunes.
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Colin Gawel plays in Watershed and The Lonely Bones. He moonlights as a coffee shop owner and writes these bloggy type things when there are no customers. Visit him at colingawel.com.