An Open Letter to Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones From The NCP

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Dear Jerry Jones,

My name is Big $, from the North Coast Posse. I know we have never met, but I'm sure you are familar with my moniker, as I assume it's how most of your family refers to you at barbecues, reunions etc. I am writing you to personally refer a current member of the Cleveland Browns, as I believe he would be a wonderful addition to your franchise. So without further adieu, here's why the Dallas Cowboys should do all it can to acquire "Johnny Football."

1.) He's just so Gosh Dang exciting! He runs around all over the field without concern to game plan. The crowd loves it! As a matter of fact, he's so concerned with keeping the crowd happy, that even when he's on the sideline he will practice martial arts on an iPad to keep them engaged. If that's not enough, he'll keep the locker room in stitches with his wild lip-synching skills

I hope you like this video

2.) You have to account for the "gets us" factor. Johnny is so Texas, he pisses Lone Star. (This has been medically verified.) He's practically a miniature version of Patrick Duffy's character from Dallas. From Day One your fans will be so attached that they will be throwing money in your direction. I mean your current QB hero is from Wisconsin, it's a no-brainer.

3.) Local commerce. I'm sure if you interview local bar/restaurant owners, they'd all share that it's hard to hit sales goals on Monday afternoons. Have no fear, Johnny and Bae will lead a Monday Funday revolution, saving many a saloon. The Ft. Worth chamber of commerce will laud you a hero for bringing the golden goose to town.

4.) Last but certainly not least, I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but after failing miserably at guiding a two-minute drill against the Chiefs, HE THREW HIS HELMET IN ANGER!!!!. Can you imagine the internal fire necessary to cost your team the game but still be able to TO THROW YOUR HELMET IN ANGER!!! Mr. Jones, In case you missed it I reiterate, HE THREW HIS HELMET IN ANGER!!!!

In conclusion. I'm fairly certain your keen business sense has led you to believe that you should ship your next 3 number one picks to the Browns in exchange for Johnny. However, I'm pretty sure you could contact Sashi, or Hue, or Paul, or Andrew or even Jimmy H and fleece them for a couple of 2's. So. Mr. Jones, the ball is in your court, and I'm  sure youll do whatever is necessary to acquire Johnny Football for "America's team."

Thanks
Big $
The North Coast Posse

Is This Week the Low Point in Browns History? The NCP Ponder the Question.

Last Monday night, the current Browns lost to the former Browns on a blocked field goal return on the last play of the game. This week, the topic of how bad the Cleveland Browns organization is has been a major story on ESPN. Is this the worst Browns team ever and is this the low point in team history?

There is just so much terrible football to consider. If we are talking specific line-ups, I think anytime Ken Dorsey is at the helm of your offense, that is both the worst team and lowest point. However, if we are talking collective eras, I would say this Island of Misfit Toys takes the cake. When you’re reduced to hiring your 14th choice at head coach and you match him with a novice G.M. (whom he has no rapport with), the odds are against success. Rather than augment this inexperience with some front office veterans and seasoned coordinators, the opposite occurred and the results have been nauseating. Top this sundae of football ineptitude off with the cherry of jettisoning solid guys like Hoyer, Sheard and Rubin while pandering to a midget Q.B. whose lifestyle leans more towards C.C. Deville than Tom Brady and voila!: you have the suckiest bunch of sucks ever to grace the Brown and Orange. I cannot, however, say this is the lowest point, because I don’t think this S-show has bottomed out quite yet. To paraphrase the mighty Quinn Fallon, “It's not the end of the world, but I can see it from here.” Expect the lowest point to be arriving sometime in late December.

If you were the GM, what would the plan be and what is the soonest fans could expect a playoff contending team?

"Chill Browns fans, it's all good." - Johnny Manzeil

I’ve been checking my phone and email consistently, and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be getting the actual call, so I’m going at this question in 100% fanboy fashion. My first call is to Jim Tressel, with the understanding that he is to work day and night on translating Tressel ball to the NFL. At the very least, I know the horrific special team play will cease. Next, I ignore the Trent curse and draft Zeke in the first round. The current state of the Browns offense will not support a franchise QB, and I think Elliot needs much less around him to make an immediate impact. The rest of the draft will be used to bolster the offense, specifically at W.R. On defense, it’s clear that Danny Shelton cannot control the 0-3 gaps on his own, so a switch back to a 4-3 is necessary. This will also benefit Armonty Bryant, who I am a fan of. It probably goes without saying that Johnny’s stuff would be packed and shipped to a bar in Texas before the ink on my contract is dry. Actually I may drive JF’s stuff down there myself, and stop in Houston to try and convince Hoyer to return, LBJ style. The end result of my general managing (using Tressel math) should be a Super Bowl in 2 years and an unprecedented run of success against Pittsburgh.

The Browns finally re-signed Terrelle Pryor after cutting him for a guy that never played a down for the team. Are we rooting for TP to get a chance to play a game under center before the season ends?

To use S.A.T. terminology, T.P. is to me as Johnny is to his gaggle of apologists. I am pumped to watch him get an opportunity to showcase his considerable athletic ability with the Browns, and if that is at Q.B., so be it.

If Browns fans had to choose between the Bengals or Steelers to win the Super Bowl, who would it be? And you can't say neither either.

The Steelers, hands down. The Rooneys were the only owners who voted against the Browns move.

Any chance this week?

I am card carrying member of #Austinsarmy, and would love to see him build on his solid performance on Monday. Unfortunately, the frigg’n Bengals have proven they are a far superior football team top to bottom. So, in a word, no.

Bengals 28 Browns 17.

Clearing My Brain of Browns Draft Wreckage - by Colin G.

I make no claim to be an expert when it comes to professional football and, specifically, the Cleveland Browns. I'll leave that title to Big $ and K-Dubs the Soldier from the North Coast Posse. But still, as another NFL season is upon us, I find my thoughts increasingly cluttered with the wreckage of Browns recent 1st round draft picks. In fact, it's become so distracting that I have a hard time completing simple tasks, and service at Colin's Coffee has suffered accordingly. I hope that by putting some of these thoughts on paper, I will once again be able to enjoy a good night's rest and stop giving people regular instead of decaf. Let's get started:

Johnny Manziel - 2014 - Pick #22. What words jump to mind when I say Johnny Football? Entitled? Arrogant? Questionable character? Sure. But those also apply to Tom Brady. The words that best describe John have nothing to do with his hard-partying lifestyle or money- sign-waving shenanigans. The two words that really matter are: small and slow. That and, uh,  sore elbow. Which he recently mentioned has been hurting him since high school. Nice. So the Browns used a first round draft pick on a small, slow quarterback with a sore elbow and well-documented personal demons. 

The fact that his career has been a disaster is about as surprising as that the decision to invade Iraq was a bad idea. All sorts of really smart people warned us about both well in advance, but who wants to listen to a bunch of nerds spouting a bunch of know-it-all facts and figures. Pfftt... Not the Browns front office and certainly not a large cross-section of the Dawg Pound. We go with our gut, baby! One wonders how Johnny Football would have been treated in Cleveland if he looked more like Terrelle Pryor? (Click here to read "What if Johnny wasn't white?" by Big $)

Staying in 2014, lots of people knew Manziel would be a bust, but how did the Browns miss on #8 pick Justin Gilbert? Isn't a cover corner one of the easiest players to scout?  I mean the guy is on an island shadowing guys all by his lonesome. Certainly somebody taken that high must have some ability. At the very least, when you are paying big money for a high pick they shouldn't get beat out by an undrafted free agent like Gilbert did. Think about that: Gilbert, who is getting paid millions, got beat out for his job by a guy getting league minimum. Ah yes, money well-spent.

What went wrong? In hindsight, it appears that while Gilbert is blessed with impressive size and speed, it turns out he cannot cover anybody and he cannot tackle. At all. This wouldn't be much of a problem if he were playing, say, center field for the Cleveland Indians, but this skill set presents a challenge for an athlete hoping to play defensive back in the NFL.

So, to summarize the Browns 2014 first round draft, they picked two players who should be PAYING the Browns to stay on the roster. They have contributed nothing to the team.

Boy, imagine a team blowing two first round picks in the same year. Bet that doesn't happen very often. I mean these front-office types get paid big bucks just to scout talent. I wonder how far back we have to look to find another situation like this....

Browns Draft 2012

The Browns TRADED UP one pick to grab Alabama RB Trent Richardson at #3. It is worth noting that by this time, most successful franchises had stopped wasting high draft picks on running backs and had gone to a committee approach in the backfield. As luck would have it, the team the Browns traded valuable picks to move up one spot was the Minnesota Vikings, who happened to have the highest-paid and most valuable running back in the league ALREADY on their team: i.e. The Vikings were never going to draft Trent Richardson in the first place, but somehow convinced the Browns they might and got a couple of extra draft picks out of the deal. As I was watching the draft I said out loud to my 8 year old son Owen, "That was a sucker trade, though I can live with it as long as we don't do something really stupid with our next pick and draft somebody like Brandon Weeden."

"With the 22nd pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select...... Brandon Weeden, Quarterback from Oklahoma State".

I got up and started kicking the sofa.

Here are the actual Brandon Weeden Wiki page opening sentences "Weeden was drafted by the Cleveland Browns with the 22nd pick in the 2012 NFL Draft; he became the oldest player ever taken in the first round, at 28 years old. The Browns gave Weeden the starting job. In his first game, Weeden had a 5.1 passer rating after throwing four interceptions in a loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, which is the sixth lowest in a season opener by any QB attempting at least 15 passes in league history."

I believe Weeden and Richardson are both out of the league as of opening day 2015. So is 2011 Browns first round pick Phil Taylor BTW.

Take heart Browns fans, it's not all doom and gloom, 2013 first round Barkevious Mingo is still on the squad and rumor has it he might contribute on the special teams and some selected 3rd down situations. Value! 

OK, It feels good to get this out of my system. I better start sweeping up this coffee shop before I start my next essay, "Cleveland Hates God."

Colin Gawel started Pencilstorm and wrote this at Colin's Coffee. He doesn't know very much about football.