I Like the Dead Schembechlers Too, But Why Do They Have to Swear So Much? - by Jeff Hassler

This story originally ran November 22, 2014. The Dead Schembechlers have a new coloring book @

Hey everybody! It's great to be back blogging at Pencilstorm! Well, it is "Hate" week here in Columbus, so everybody is talking about Ohio State vs "That Team Up North" which happens this Saturday at noon in the "Big House."

As usual, I will be getting together with Colin, Brian, Ricki C., Johnny and all the other guys for our annual "Beat Michigan" Pencilstorm party. And unfortunately, I will no doubt be subjected to hours of Dead Schembechlers songs at ear-splitting volumes.

Listen, I am a pretty big Bucks fan myself and I like to think I can handle a joke, but sometimes it just seems like the Dead Schembechlers take it a little too far. I'll be the first to admit that the whole concept is pretty clever and the "Conspiracy" page at is damn near the greatest thing ever posted on the internet, but still, as big as they are, think how much bigger they could have been without all the bad language.

I mean, songs like "Bomb Ann Arbor Now," "The Ballad of Mike Lantry," and "I'm So Bored With the SEC" are really cool and you can play them in mixed company. The same cannot be said for, "I'm Not Gay But I Want to F*#k Brutus Buckeye," "Rich Rodriguez Can Suck My D*#k," and "USC, You S**K C**k." 

They even take a sacred classic Buckeye anthem like "Hang On Sloopy" and change the words to "Hey F**K Lloyd Carr, Lloyd Carr F**K You!" I could go on and on, but I think my point is obvious. Frankly, I think if the Dead S. could act more professional, they could even has been as successful as the Danger Brothers. 

"Hassler, you are such a dickhead," is usually what Johnny DiLoretto always says before he goes off on one of his long-winded, whiskey-fueled rants explaining why I am always wrong. 

"The ONLY thing that makes the Schembechlers work is that they are truly crazy. They go way over the line because Bo Biafra doesn't know or care where the line is. Shit, Hassler, they are easily the biggest punk band to ever come out of Columbus. Bigger than the New Bomb Turks, Great Plains and Gaunt all put together. They have had millions of web hits and features about them in Sports Illustrated, Esquire, ESPN and the New York Times. That HBO movie "The Rivalry" literally starts with Bo Biafra. He comes on-screen before freaking Bo or Woody themselves. I'm pretty sure they don't need advice from some dude who works in a call center on how to become bigger than the Danger Brothers. Hell, last week their video for "Chad Henne is a Motherf***ing Joke" went over 400,000 YouTube views. And the Dead S played most their career BEFORE the internet even existed."

But I explained to Johnny he had made my point for me: "Not so fast J.D., (he hates when I call him that) what if the title of the song had been changed to "Chad Henne is a Motherscratching Joke?" Still funny, but now children, grandparents and Danger Brothers fans could all enjoy the song without all the salty language. I bet it would be over a million views. Just sayin....."

As usual, Johnny got short with me, "Hassler, you have seen the band live and should know what this is all about. Now, shut the fuck up and get me another fuckin' beer. And not one of yours, one of mine." Johnny isn't exactly known for keeping the "bandito talk" south of the border himself, if you know what I mean. 

It is true the band is pretty intense live If you can get past the sailor talk, sporadic violence and bone-rattling volume. I got turned onto them early when I was roommates with Brian and Colin at 65 East Patterson, so I got to check them out when Watershed opened for them at Little Brothers. The next year Watershed opened again at a sold out Newport Music Hall show. Colin never admits it, but I think it bothers him that a joke band like the Dead Schembechlers are way bigger than his band Watershed will ever be. I think that is why he drinks so much at those gigs. He claims it's because he truly hates Michigan and likes to drink. Yeah, right. 

The last time I saw them was at Skully's on High Street. The show was also sold out. In fact, all seven shows they have ever played have been sold out. Anyway, my now ex-wife Kim and I had just started dating so I invited her to the gig. She asked if it would be cool if she wore a U-M Charles Woodson jersey and I figured since I sort of knew some of the guys in the band, if there was a problem, we could take care of it with Security.

I guess she became a Michigan fan because a guy she dated in high school went on to to play tennis in Ann Arbor and it just kind of stuck. And I have to admit, she looked pretty hot in that Charles Woodson jersey. I, of course, wore my vintage Jim Karsatos jersey from 1986. Pretty sweet. I thought we made a cute couple. I used to anyway.....

Because of our divorce, I'm not legally allowed to share exactly what happened next, but let's just say I'm forever thankful to Ricki C. for helping Kim wipe off all the Wolverine blood that Bo Biafra vomited on her during "Michigan Stadium is a Pile of S**T." I guess now I know why bands demand a pile of fresh towels backstage before every show. Sometimes they do come in handy!!! Anyway, thanks for reading my blog and Go Bucks! Muck Fichigan! (Ha!)   - Jeff Hassler


Jeff Hassler is a blogger at Pencilstorm. You can e-mail him at 


Below. 1) Rare footage of Dead Schembechlers legendary sold-out Hate Michigan rally 2006 at the Newport Music Hall. 2)  An inside look at the recording of the single "Rich Rodriguez Can Suck My D**k."