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What Kind Of Jack-Ass Actually Wants To Go To The Super Bowl? - by Colin G.

Unless you are a fan of the Broncos or Seahawks, what kind of jack-ass would you be to attend Super Bowl XXXVVVIIII? (Or whatever# it is.) Look, I consider myself a pretty big sports fan. I'm not quite the guy who screams down officials at youth sporting events or wears team jerseys with other dude's names on them, but I do play fantasy baseball, football and basketball. And one time while driving alone from Detroit to Columbus I listened to the NFL Draft and the OSU Spring football game on the radio for the entire four hours. Basically, I walk a fine line between "sports loser" and "total sports loser." Still, for the life of me, I can't understand the appeal of the Super Bowl. Especially this year at fabulous Met Life stadium in the chilly swamps of New Jersey. 

OK, imagine it is Super Bowl Sunday you are sitting cozy at the bar DJ Reynolds in Midtown Manhattan. Your pal walks up, "Dude I just scored two pretty good tickets to the Super Bowl tonight. Face value!!! Want to go?"

Hmmm. Let's pretend the tickets aren't terrible but in lower price range, say $1,000 apiece. That probably gets you goal line seats in the second deck. Mind you, those same tics would be going for $2,000 on Stubhub, so this is a pretty good deal.

The conversation continues:

"Come on man, all we have to do is catch the bus to the game at the Waldorf Hotel five blocks away. It's only $51 and just a two hour ride. It drops you off right at the stadium."

"So you want me to spend a grand, take a two hour bus ride to sit outside and watch a five hour football game? And then have to wait in line to catch the bus back? And even worse, sit through Anthony Kiedis' insufferable monotone rapping for the half time show? I can think of better ways to spend a thousand bucks in NYC. Thanks but no thanks. Grab me another space beer, Klee - Klop."

But let's forget the money. Imagine the same scenario except the Super Bowl tickets are free. You heard me, FREE SUPER BOWL TICKETS! Still, doubtful I am riding the bus out to that game. Once again, thanks but no thanks. I'm good right here in front of the TV.

This cuts to the core problem of the Super Bowl. It is by far the worst championship of the major sports. I would ride a bus to the World Series, Stanley Cup, NBA Title Game, Final Four, Rose Bowl, The Masters.....so forth and so on. I would even ride to the NFC/AFC Conference title games. At least those are in home stadiums with real fans. But the Super Bowl? Nah.....

The Super Bowl has turned into one giant circle jerk for Corporate America. Not that I have a problem with that per se, it's just that sitting through one bazillion television time-outs drinking with Jonah Hill's character from "Wolf of Wall Street" just doesn't scratch my itch. The insipid media coverage the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl just serves to remind me how overblown our sports culture has become and how embarrassed I am to be a part of it. Think of what could be done to improve schools and help the homeless with the time and resources used to stage this one football game? Alas...

So yes, I will watch the game somewhere, but no, don't ask me which commercial I liked, I won't be watching. As for the halftime show, Bruno Mars will be pretty good and the Chili Peppers will suck except for "Give it Away." For all you gamblers, that is a my lead pipe lock of the day.

Colin Gawel owns Colin's Coffee and plays in the band Watershed. Sometimes he writes things for Pencilstorm just for the hell of it. Learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here,