Pencil Storm contributor and recent divorcee Jeff Hassler and I are joining together to make Five Obnoxious Predictions for Super Bowl 48. I'll be laying it out from a Seahawks' perspective, Hassler the Broncos. We will not, however, be watching the game together. The man has many irritating qualities: his love of Bon Jovi, his passive-aggressiveness, his shameless bandwagon-hopping.... (he's a Yankee fan. I need not say more). Seattle's pending World Championship will bring many satisfactions. One of those will be the joy of Hassler being wrong.
My job is easier, I suppose, as America seems to already find my Seahawks.....shall we say, off-putting. That said, having America hate you is way more satisfying than losing. Suck it, Hassler. Oh, that feels good.
Five Obnoxious Seahawks Predictions
1. Peyton Manning will be sacked at least four times. He'll be hurried, harried, and flummoxed. He'll throw two interceptions. He'll be seeing Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett in his nightmares.
2. Russell Wilson will make at least two game changing throws, one for a touchdown, and pick up at least two vital third downs with his legs. He will end the game with a higher QB rating than Peyton Manning and win Super Bowl MVP.
3. Peyton Manning will think he has Demaryius Thomas open for a big gain on third and long. Richard Sherman will have carefully studied hours of film and figured out how to bait the future Hall of Famer into throwing it exactly where he wants it. Sherman will make a leaping pick, return it for a touchdown and then taunt Thomas, Manning, the entire crowd and the billions watching around the world. His jersey sales will spike again. Erin Andrews will make a mental note to ask Sherman about the play immediately after the game.
4. The Seahawks gave up 15 punt return yards.... the entire season.... With the Broncos down by three in the fourth quarter teeny tiny Trendon Holliday will make a fatal mistake, deciding against a fair catch inside the 20 on another cloud-level punt by proud Canadian Jon Ryan. Gunner Jeremy Lane will blast Holliday and fifth string wide receiver Ricardo Lockettte will recover his fumble. I will throw my beer in the air, run around the living room, and my family will flee upstairs. (This will have probably happened earlier in the day. Perhaps during the pregame.)
5. Following the Holliday fumble Marshawn Lynch will rumble 18 yards for a game-icing touchdown. Richard Sherman will stand on the bench waving a Super Bowl 48 towel in the air screaming Erin Andrews' name.
Final Score: Seahawks 30 Broncos 20
Five Obnoxious Bronco's Predictions by Jeff Hassler
1) Brian, EVERYBODY loves Payton Manning except you. Not only is he the greatest quarterback of ALL TIME, he is a regular guy, just like you and me. Well, maybe not you, but a regular guy like me. He is the kind of guy who just likes to play video games and knock back a couple Bud lights. Hang out with the fellas. And his little bro Eli.
2) Payton Manning has class, unlike some Seahawks I could name. One time, my ex-wife Kim and I ran into Payton and some of his buddies at a bar in Indianapolis while we were visiting for the Big Ten basketball tournament. He was SO COOL! He bought us jello shots and even let Kim get a picture with her sitting on his lap. And later when i wasn't feeling so great and had to turn in early, (too many shots- long story!) he even gave Kim a lift back to our hotel room. What a guy! She wore a Payton Manning jersey to bed almost every night after that up until our divorce. I wonder if she still wears it now living with Russ.
3) You Seattle fans are even more bitter than Browns fans. You guys always rag on me out at the bars for being a Yankee fan, but at least New York doesn't lose their franchises all the time. Heck, they even stole the Nets from New Jersey. That is because New York City has loyal sports fans, unlike Seattle and Cleveland. Maybe fans from those cities should quit pointing the finger of blame at ownership for losing the Sonics and Browns and realize that if the fans had been willing to support the team with a new arena/stadium the teams may have never left. Sports is a business after all, and I for one don't blame management for trying to maximize their profit, I blame lazy fans for not doing their part to help.
4) Why can't Richard Sherman act more like Greg Maddux? Seriously, you never saw Greg Maddux screaming down opponents after a big strike out and he is one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Yet, Richard Sherman for some reason feels like he has to shout from the rooftops every time he deflects a pass in the end zone. He is a really good player and since he went to Stanford I agree he isn't technically a "thug" (though he looks like one), but next time he makes a big play and before he starts running his mouth he should ask himself, "What would the Professor Greg Maddux do?" Just sayin' .
5) Sherman won't get the chance to run his mouth this week because Wes Welker is going to SCHOOL him. Payton Manning and Wes Welker are going to light up the Seahawks defense and give them a big dose of Bronco's humble pie. Manning and Welker aren't just going to win because of precise route running, sure hands and intelligent play calling. No, they are going to win because something much more important than strategy: it called "CLASS." Those two play the game the way it is supposed to be played, like the great Johnny Unitas. In my book, CLASS is way more important than 40 yd. times or Pro Bowl recognition. How many rings did Randy Moss win? Exactly.
Sorry Brian, Broncos 37 Seahawks 16 Manning and Welker are co - MVPs
Jeff can reached at jeffwonthassleryou@gmail.com. Learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here.