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Rock Nation Declares War on ISIS - by Colin G.

In a stirring 25 minute address to the House of Lords, and members of other bands that don't suck, President Dave Grohl formally announced what many in the media had been speculating for days, "We are a tolerant culture. Our tent is big and we welcome people from all religions no matter how crazy. You can worship Jesus Christ, the Prophet MuhammadKing Diamond or all three for that matter.  All we ask, is that when you are in our church, the church of rock n roll, you get your balls to the wall. And maybe purchase a t-shirt or a CD to support the band. At least buy them a beer. But after the recent events in Paris, we have no choice but to look back in anger, and announce that Rock n Roll is formally declaring war in ISIS. Or ISIL. Or Daesh. Or whatever they are called.. "

At that moment, Vice President Lemmy Kilmister suddenly woke up and screamed, "When you shoot up a rock show, you crossed a line. Now it's personal, motherf*%kers." And with that he began firing glass whisky pints into the ceiling fans.

The Reverend Little Richard grabbed the microphone and appealed for calm in the moment. Nevertheless, he supports President Grohl's declaration of war. "No matter what faith you follow, every doctrine knows it's a sin to kill a merch man, baby. Blessed are those who move the gear and sell the swag.  I mean, even the Nazis wouldn't shoot a roadie. You may need him to fix a tank or sell shirts one day.  These heathens need to be stopped. It's time to rip it up!"

President Grohl also stated that the rock nation would waste no time going on the offensive, especially in light of  breaking news that members of ISIS or ISIL or Daesh or Yeesh have begun burning drum sets and saxophones to eliminate rock music from their territory completely.

Senator Neil Peart from the Liberal Wilco party seemed dumbfounded at these allegations, "I can't believe what you're saying, these things they can't be true. Our world could use this beauty, just think what they might do."

House Rep. Ted Nugent of the Ultra-Conservative Altamont party quickly responded: "Professor, they are true." Click here for the story  He continued, "While I am glad President Grohl has finally had the balls to step on his Big Muff and make this declaration, it is way overdue. I have been telling you for years that what is the point of having all these semi-automatic weapons here at home if we are only going to use them to shoot up American movie theaters and American classrooms. We need to take the 2nd amendment Double Live Gonzo for some payback."

Insiders have stated on background that not only is the Rock N Roll Nation planning  to defeat ISIS, but they are looking to stage a huge outdoor metal festival somewhere near Raqqa in the Northern Territories. Secretary of Defense Lars Ulrich added "This is a war for the hearts and minds of these teenagers.You think these ISIS kids are radical now?  And all they have had to motivate them are some old guys reading them WORDS while drinking TEA? Just wait until they HEAR "Number of the Beast" performed live by Iron Maiden at 125 decibels while SMOKING that sweet Afgani hashish. You are going to see some teenagers turn radical for real, and not gentle like before. This time they won't be shooting up the streets of Paris, they will be fighting against their parents, teachers and preachers. They will shout at the devil. They won't be denied their inalienable right to shout it out loud. They will fight for their right to party. They will fight the power. They will not run to the hills. The region will be transformed throughout the power of rock."

Promoters at Clear Channel couldn't be reached for comment but did indicate the festival would be the biggest and loudest metal show ever staged in hostile desert territory and that the Eagles of Death Metal would get a headlining spot.  An insider added, "Well, maybe not headlining, but right before Metallica. Well, maybe not because they aren't really metal but they will get a good slot. At least 40 minutes. And a quick soundcheck. Definitely higher on the bill than those assholes in Megadeath."

General Jack White of the Seven Nation Army expeditionary force has been mum on the military side of the operation but it is widely believed that Colonel Glenn Danzig will be leading the Vinnie Vincent Invasion from the West, while Operation Screaming For Vengeance will move from the North trying to catch the ISIS fighters in a classic pincer movement. It is assumed that the elite "Rock n Roll Professionals" unit led by Sargent Scott Lucas are already on the ground making targeted strikes as if ISIS stole a sticker from the Local H merch table. (shudder) Furthermore, Captain Rudolf Schenker of the Rockwaffe has confirmed that once ISIS or ISIL or Deish or Yeesh or Geesh is defeated, stage, amplifiers and merch would be airlifted in from Berlin to set up for the show tentatively called, "ISIS, What a Bunch of Assholes. Let's Melt Their Faces Together." 

 

Obviously, this is all in good fun and we here at Pencilstorm send out prayers and thoughts to the Eagles Of Death Metal and all those injured by evil actors the world over, whether it be Paris, Baghdad, Beirut or Syria itself. Let's hope this madness ends sooner than later. 

Colin G. is in the band Watershed and started Pencilstorm because he got bored at his coffee shop. Superior - The Best of Colin Gawel out December 2015. Click here to pre-order.