Dear Jerry Jones,
My name is Big $, from the North Coast Posse. I know we have never met, but I'm sure you are familar with my moniker, as I assume it's how most of your family refers to you at barbecues, reunions etc. I am writing you to personally refer a current member of the Cleveland Browns, as I believe he would be a wonderful addition to your franchise. So without further adieu, here's why the Dallas Cowboys should do all it can to acquire "Johnny Football."
1.) He's just so Gosh Dang exciting! He runs around all over the field without concern to game plan. The crowd loves it! As a matter of fact, he's so concerned with keeping the crowd happy, that even when he's on the sideline he will practice martial arts on an iPad to keep them engaged. If that's not enough, he'll keep the locker room in stitches with his wild lip-synching skills
2.) You have to account for the "gets us" factor. Johnny is so Texas, he pisses Lone Star. (This has been medically verified.) He's practically a miniature version of Patrick Duffy's character from Dallas. From Day One your fans will be so attached that they will be throwing money in your direction. I mean your current QB hero is from Wisconsin, it's a no-brainer.
3.) Local commerce. I'm sure if you interview local bar/restaurant owners, they'd all share that it's hard to hit sales goals on Monday afternoons. Have no fear, Johnny and Bae will lead a Monday Funday revolution, saving many a saloon. The Ft. Worth chamber of commerce will laud you a hero for bringing the golden goose to town.
4.) Last but certainly not least, I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but after failing miserably at guiding a two-minute drill against the Chiefs, HE THREW HIS HELMET IN ANGER!!!!. Can you imagine the internal fire necessary to cost your team the game but still be able to TO THROW YOUR HELMET IN ANGER!!! Mr. Jones, In case you missed it I reiterate, HE THREW HIS HELMET IN ANGER!!!!
In conclusion. I'm fairly certain your keen business sense has led you to believe that you should ship your next 3 number one picks to the Browns in exchange for Johnny. However, I'm pretty sure you could contact Sashi, or Hue, or Paul, or Andrew or even Jimmy H and fleece them for a couple of 2's. So. Mr. Jones, the ball is in your court, and I'm sure youll do whatever is necessary to acquire Johnny Football for "America's team."
The North Coast Posse