Blog

Vince McMahon and XFL Blow Second Chance for Heel Turn - by Colin Gawel

Colin's Coffee was abuzz with excitement when news broke that Vince McMahon was going to reboot and relaunch the formerly doomed XFL football league. Sure, we all mocked the previous incarnation with He Hate Me, gratuitous cheerleader-cleavage shots and overall lousy action, but after watching the recent 30 for 30 about the league I had an epiphany: The XFL failed because it was ahead of it's time. People just needed more time to "dumb-down" (or would it be "dumb-up"?) and it could be a gold mine. I think in the year 2018 the populace is now sufficiently stupid enough to embrace the new XFL.

Including yours truly. 

Picture this: The California Commies go on the road to face the Alabama Klan in Mobile. Fans erupt as the Commies, led by League MVP Colin Kapernick perform their traditional pre-game flag-burning during the National Anthem. "You'll pay for this Commies!!!" screams Klan color analyst Roy Moore. 

Meanwhile, top draft pick Johnny "Football" Manziel's squad, the Reno Pimps take on the Charleston Steeples led by "Saint" Timmy Tebow. 

Needless to say, both Tebow and Manziel would have a camera crew on them full-time for a weekly reality show covering their off the field exploits. Johnny spends off days "working" at the Mustang Ranch while Tim volunteers his time working with orphans on ponies. And reading the Bible to orphan ponies.  All of this would be available through the XFL app for just $9.99 a month. 

See where I'm going? THIS is the XFL Model I was hoping that Mr. McMahon would unveil at his press conference. And I'll admit, I was secretly hoping the LA KISS (formerly owned by Paul Stanley & Gene Simmons) would be given a spot in the league, too. I loved the show 4th and Loud. I mean, watching Paul Stanley address a football team is the reason reality TV exists in the first place. Let's think big: Fans calling plays on twitter; Injured players being left on the field until their team scores; Instead of just time outs, teams get one smoke screen or oil slick each half. Stuff like that. 

ALAS, the "new" XFL promises NONE of that. What's worse is there aren't even any heels allowed. You can't even have a DUI and get in the league. I'm not sure if Mr. McMahon knows exactly who plays the game of professional football but somebody better give him a copy of Pros and Cons to leaf through on his private jet ride home. It would be tough to field a respectable defensive line with a clean criminal record, let alone an entire league. 

And, Vince McMahon knows better than anybody the power of the heel. They generate the heat. The cheap heat gets you the ratings. He himself is one of the best heels of all time. Could you imagine WWE with only John Cenas and no Bray Wyatts? BORING.

Vince leads us to believe the selling point of the XFL is that the games are going to be punctual (just two hours), played clean, and with everybody standing at attention for the National Anthem. 

YAWN. Count me out. I suppose a master such as Vince McMahon could just be setting up us suckers for a master heel-turn when he clocks Tim Tebow over the head with a chair before the XFL Super Extreme Bowl, but it seems unlikely. My day just got a little less fun. 

Colin Gawel watches WWE Monday Night Raw instead of Monday Night Football but is a fan of the Cleveland Browns so there is never a conflict. He wrote this at Colin's Coffee while ignoring customers.