The N.F.L. is the Sport for Stupid People: #TBT - by Colin Gawel

Pencilstorm Throw-Back Thursday 08/04/17

Originally published September 2014. It still gets hits. Go figure. Click here for current not-stupid NFL coverage by Brian Phillips.

Before you can say, "What? Me stupid? That's unpossible!" - let me explain. I'm not trying to be an elitist or a contrarian.  I too, like you, care deeply about all sorts of stupid things. In fact, just this past month I'll have you know that I.......

A) Forked over $50 to watch WWE Summerslam and.....

B) Watched every episode of "4th and Loud" - the reality TV show about arena football team the L.A. KISS, starring Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.

I think reasonable people can agree it doesn't get much dumber than that. 

And before you soccer types get all excited that this is going to be some manifesto on the merits of Premier League Football over American football, that isn't happening either. Despite an exciting World Cup, I much prefer Uncle Sammy's brand of pigskin. In fact, I play in two fantasy football leagues and this Sunday while I am coaching third base for my son's little league team, I will be crying on the inside knowing that I will be missing the Browns opener. (Though it is sure to be another curbstomping compliments of the dreaded Steelers.)

So, though I like the NFL like all normal people, I HATE NFL coverage. God, it never stops. Ugh. BARF. So dumb. So Boring. Every single day of the year ESPN jams the "THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE" down my throat and I am so very tired of it. I know you are too. I can feel my poor brain cells dying of boredom as they absorb questions like who will start at center for Green Bay and will Jacksonville win over or under 3.5 games. The company line is, "The NFL is the nation's most popular sport, so we have to talk about it every 15 minutes, 365 days a year because YOU can't get enough of it." Okay, sure. Still, McDonald's is America's most popular restaurant, but everybody knows it sucks. Just because something is the most popular doesn't mean it is good. Just check out the top song on the charts right now. Whatever it is, I bet dollars to donuts, it blows.  

But why does NFL coverage bother me so much? The odd thing is, though I am much less likely to watch a entire regular season NBA game than  I would an NFL game,  I love reading about the NBA. I like ESPN stories about the NBA, but not the National Football League. Why is this? Some theories......

For one, I hate that every talking head has stopped using the abbreviation NFL and almost always refer to THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. My theory is that using the longer name fills content over the course of a grinding 24 hour news cycle. By just stretching that out and saying it say, 1,500 times a day, that's almost 45 minutes of airtime each day filled by somebody just saying, "He is going to have to make that throw if he wants to keep his job in the…NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE."

For two, ESPN treats the entire country like we are all superfans of all thirty two NFL teams. They will do a full twenty minute segment on Maurice Jones Drew joining the Raiders or Ryan Tannahill learning a new playbook. This would be would be fine if I lived in Oakland or Miami. But I don't. Why are they telling me this in such fine detail? Do you know how hard it is to run on a treadmill in February while enduring a 12-minute story on the possible new Carolina Panthers starting wide receivers? Basically, they take waiver wire stories and treat them like the lead segment on 60 Minutes. Who fucking cares? Who are these people that enjoy this? Is there a comment section giving 99% approval I haven't seen?

For three, and this is the big one, I suspect Bill Simmons has done such a good job covering the NBA, it just shines a light on how many dumb jocks cover football. All those jackasses standing around in designer suits on a fake football field flapping their gums for two straight hours and they never have anything interesting to say. How is that possible? Professional football is, by far, the most complex sport on the planet, but nobody seems to able able to write a story about it that is interesting.

Watching Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose do a podcast on the NBA is great fun. Watching the FOX NFL pre-game show is like having your eyes gouged out with stale celery stalks.

So maybe the NFL isn't the sport for stupid people after all. Perhaps it is the sport for stupid journalists and it's just hard to tell the difference.  Either way, thank GOD we can finally start watching THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE and stop talking about it. For a day anyway.

Colin Gawel plays in the band Watershed and started Pencilstorm as a way to kill time at his coffee shop, Colin's Coffee. As he is writing this, he is watching that guy lip syncing that "Happy" song before the NFL opener in Seattle. Some sort of lame kick-off party. How very stupid indeed.  

 

 

 

 

JT Barrett is the Greatest QB in OSU History. Does he Suck? Baver Answers.

Baver covers Buckeye Football for Pencilstorm. Follow @baverbuckeyebag

Colin: You seemed downright giddy about new offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson after the spring game. What are you seeing that has you so excited?

Baver: We saw screen passes that were actually executed the way screens are supposed to be executed, saw a passing game that had all the parts in sync with one another, and actually saw pass catchers running crossing patterns. The coaches pretty much abandoned the crossing patterns late last year, so that was a nice site. Yeah, it was just a spring game, but Kevin Wilson is just what the doctor ordered for this offense. The Buckeye offense struggled mightily against every good defense they faced last year, and after the 31-0 beat down by Clemson, Urban finally got the wake up call and sent two offensive coaches packing. And Kevin Wilson was there for the taking. Now, Wilson is working with 4 and 5-star guys instead of the 3-star guys he had at Indiana. Yeah….I am giddy as can be.

Colin: The million dollar question. JT Barrett will go down statistically as the greatest QB in Ohio State history. By far. Is he any good?

Baver: As of right now, I think he’s far better than most OSU fans think he is. But I get it….even when he had time to throw last year, he often missed WR’s badly. The 2nd qtr play against Michigan when Barrett launched the ball way over a wide-open Curtis Samuel comes to mind. It was a simple throw, and Samuel would have likely taken that one 94 yards to the house…and Barrett air-mailed it. But JT is a gamer. 5 OT drives that he has led as a Buckeye….the results? 5 touchdowns. He’s the guy you want with the ball in his hands when the game is on the line. This year, I still don’t expect him to throw the ball as well as he did in ’14, but I expect him to look a lot better with the tutoring he has gotten and will get from Kevin Wilson and new QB coach Ryan Day. 

Colin: How can we seriously expect a breakout performance from any WR or TE? Who do you expect to break out and what will the numbers look like?

Baver: Maybe it wasn’t too bold of a call, but I had Curtis Samuel as the most likely offensive player to breakout a year ago at this time, followed by Noah Brown. (click here to read that story) They both had breakout seasons last year, to different extents. I don’t see a TE making big noise, but I think the new hybrid, Parris Campbell, is your breakout guy this year. We saw glimpses of what Parris is capable of last year on kick returns, and I think it all comes together for him this year, on returns, rushes and as a pass catcher. Numbers? I don’t think you’ll see 700+/800+ rushing/receiving yards like Samuel did, but I think you could potentially see 400+ and 700+, respectively.

Colin: Is Mike Weber a world class back like top 5 programs come to expect? What recent Ohio State starting RB is he better than?

Baver: Not sure if it’s fair to ask what recent Buckeye RB he is better than, with Weber having only one season in the books so far. I thought he was a solid back last year and felt he should have been used more down the stretch. Urban is singing Weber’s praises this summer, and he was 4th on Ohio State’s 40-yard dash board in June. Weber has also showed up as a 1st rounder in some 2018 NFL mock drafts. World-class? Not sure. Ezekiel level? No. But I think Weber is in for a big year if he stays healthy.

Colin: Can this OL dominate if we have trouble throwing the ball downfield or could we see a repeat of MSU, Michigan and Clemson against a stout D?

Baver: OL is my biggest concern on offense. They probably should have fired a trio of Buckeye offensive coaches, instead of just a pair, as Greg Studrawa ain’t gettin’ it done. And I can’t imagine that OSU couldn’t find an elite O-line coach that would be worlds better than Stud. Obviously Isaiah Prince has to make huge strides after Pro Football Focus graded him out as the worst pass-blocking O-lineman in the FBS last season, allowing 45 QB pressures. I think you’ll see better results as a whole in ’17 with Kevin Wilson being more involved with the Slobs, but I am still taking a wait and see approach.

"Softer Side" - Erica Blinn's New Single

It would be tempting to call Erica Blinn the "little sister" act of the Colin Gawel-galaxy of bands: Watershed, The League Bowlers, Colin Gawel & the Lonely Bones.   It would be tempting, but it would be wrong, because little sister is too demeaning & limiting a term for the gigantic talent that Erica Blinn represents.  There's a lot more we here at Pencilstorm could say about Erica - and we WILL at some point in the future - but for right now, let's just kick back and enjoy Erica's new single, released today, "Softer Side."  

Erica Blinn / "Softer Side"

 

for more info, please visit:

Website: www.ericablinn.com

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/erica-blinn

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ericablinn?ref=hl

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ericablinn

YouTube: www.youtube.com/user/ericablinnmusic/playlists

Instagram: http://instagram.com/ericablinn

 

 

 

I Need Your Help With This Kickstarter Project - by Colin Gawel

Please take one minute to check out the pre-order for the original Watershed side-band, The League Bowlers. I love playing in this band and I'm really proud of this record. However, time is short. One of our members has serious health issues. We need your help to get this CD finished ASAP. But this is no charity case. Any fan of Watershed is going to love this record. And it will be yours this September. 

I would really appreciate you checking out our Kickstarter campaign to learn more about the project. I hope you can help us. Thank you. - Colin 

Click here for League Bowlers Kickstarter Campaign and CD pre-order.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Galli Hosts an Un-Edited Kyrie E-Mail Thread

I'll get us started...

Ben Galli:  This upset and blindsided me.  The hardest part is coming to terms with this being who Kyrie is.  I'm not one of those, "well the greats back in my day..." guys but this seems very immature, selfish, and short-sighted.  I can think of players considered superstars exhibiting this type of behavior but no one really considered a great.

I guess Irving didn't think the news would go public but if the reports are true about LeBron's camp releasing it, (classic LBJ passive-aggressiveness), it just makes things worse.  The team's two best players want to throw down and Kevin Love is mocking it all on social media.

James Baumann: This story won't go away for 2 reasons. One is ESPN's desire to broadcast prima donna soap operas 24 hours a day and this fits them to a T. 

The second is that this actually has basketball ramifications. I don't know where kyrie realistically goes that either makes them locks for the East and definitely not to beat Golden State. At the same time, i can't think of who the Cavs could get that would push them past GS. 

The Cavs may get building pieces, but NBA playoff games generally come down to who has the best players -- best Plan B, Plan C, etc -- on the court in the 4th quarter. And Kyrie leaving does not help that in the least.

Colin Gawel:  I'm just really surprised by the whole situation. I just assumed Kyrie was thinking "I can't believe how lucky I am to play along side Lebron James. This is so fun." Instead he felt like he wasn't getting his due. I've lost all respect for him. Plus, when we were on good terms, I turned a blind eye to some of Kyrie's faults. Now that the gloves are off, it all adds up, he is a selfish player and a selfish person. He is just another spoiled AAU punk who was hiding behind a winning franchise. I know I come from a different generation, but playing with one of the greats isn't a bad gig. I recently saw Tom Petty and thought the same thing of his band. Does Tom Campbell always get the spotlight he deserves? Maybe not, but he plays sold out arenas every night and is part of a great band. I wonder if he ever looks across the stage and thinks, "I'm just as good as Tom. Why do they cheer him so much? I've got to get out from his shadow so I can solo more". No, Tom Campbell doesn't think that because he isn't an idiot. 

* Since I just called Mike Campbell "Tom" I guess Kyrie has a point. 

Brian Phillips : Doesn't Kyrie believe the earth is flat? He's a dope. He'll end up in Sacramento where he can fulfill his dream of being "The King Of Kings." 

Big $ from the North Coast Posse: Kyrie provided me with the happiest 5 seconds of my life (I know I could of prefaced this with "besides my wedding/kids births etc, but I didn't sue me) so regardless of where he ends up, and how he gets there, he will hold a special spot in my heart. It's also important to remember that only a few short summers ago, Kyrie made a commitment to stay in Cleveland and be the man and the organization was ready to honor that commitment. Next thing he knows this demigod who walked out on Cleveland, comes waltzing back through the door and wam bam kyrie is a distant 2nd fiddle. To make it worse he's a second fiddle to a fella that is no stranger to reprimanding him in public. The ring is nice, but it may not be enough to fully cleanse your palette of being "sonned" publicly. I'm not all together sure that Kyrie can put a team on his back for a season, but I do believe he has mad star power and charisma and is probably sick of losing regional shoe sales to his "Chet from weird science" esque basketball big bro.
      With all that said, I'm also ready for a little shake up in Cavs land. Lbj thrives off new challenges and proving KI dead wrong may be all he needs to turn it to 11 this season. I am also head over heels for Josh Jackson and feel that Bledsoe/Rose is superior to lrving/Deron Williams. Let Lbj call in one of the 8000 favors (new Suns front office exec.) James Jones owes him and make that trade happen. I'll have the popcorn ready.

Ben Galli:  The media aspect is interesting.  Nowadays with social media, posts and 'likes' and actions at weddings are analyzed non stop while players use the media to make their passive aggressive power plays.  Now a "Source" says LeBron has been actively shopping Kyrie for the last 4 months.   It's hard to know what to believe and it's probably just best to stay away from the drama and pettiness of it all.  Or maybe drama, pettiness, and over-analyzation on social media is the theme of 2017.  And we wonder why LaVar Ball continues to get attention. 

The rumored Bledsoe and Josh Jackson deal probably works best for Cleveland's future.  Another much bandied about trade would bring Bledsoe and Carmelo Anthony to Cleveland with Kyrie going to New York.  That would work best for the Cavs' chances this year, which increasingly seems like LBJ's last there.  This prospect seems less and less likely as more reports are coming out saying Melo really wants to go to Houston, one going as far as to say he's threatened to block a Kyrie to New York deal.  

And if LeBron leaves, Kyrie would have Cleveland to himself, no?  Which begs another question, does anyone want to play in Cleveland? 

James Baumann: I would not be surprised to see the Cavs still finish 1 or 2 in the East even with a Kyrie trade - but who knows with the moves the Celtics and others made. But to do so would (most likely) burn out James by playoff time and definitely finals time. But, by then, the NBA and TNT and ESPN may change the rules so there are 5 days off in between all finals games.  

Colin Gawel: Despite my harsh words, I was prepared to keep a fond view of Kyrie for the reasons Big $ mentioned. He helped get the title and it's pretty much all gravy after that. But I have to admit, seeing him ham it up at Lebron's expense with arch rival Steph Curry turned my stomach. Steph is right to mock Cleveland and Lebron. We are enemies. But geez Kyrie, that dude just beat YOU less than six weeks ago and you cheer him on as he clowns a team mate? I don't care if it was Lebron or Channing Frye,  where is your pride?  Be like watching Eddie George cheer on Charles Woodson goofing on Terry Glenn as at Christmas party in 1995. Bad look Kyrie. 

Having said all that, if we don't get value - DO NOT TRADE HIM. He signed the deal. We can move him or sit him or whatever, but we need to get something in return. 

OK....what trade ideas are floating around?

James Baumann: The trade challenge is do you try to make a 1-1 type trade that has instant results or do you make a 1-3 (or picks) that is more of the long game. And, of course, that is entirely about whether you think James is coming back. 


Whoa! Just had a thought. James convinces the Cavs to trade Kyrie to the Lakers for Ball and a pick or something. Then, next year, James takes his free agent talents TO THE LAKERS ALSO!!!!! James and

Colin G: That's a good thought. My idea was Lebron calls Porzingis and has him tell the Knicks there is no chance he will ever re-sign in NYC. Make the deal with the Cavs or lose me for nothing.

Ben Galli:  Funny you mention the psyche out cause The Ringer and Bill Simmons are saying the exact same thing (LeBron and Kyrie play for the Lakers next year and this is all carefully staged).

I really think Kyrie is jealous of LeBron and James never saw it coming that he embarrassed Uncle Drew.  I think the rift is real but I also think there's a chance that if the right deal isn't offered, in a couple weeks we'll hear of a heart to heart (father-son?) talk where they decided to let bygones be bygones, put out a music video (wedding theme?), and lead the Cavs back to the Finals.  I think they're holding out for Melo and I think that's Kyrie's preferred destination (he's from New Jersey).  Getting Josh Jackson would be nice but what impact can he make in the Finals as a rookie?

Big $: I really think that a multi team deal that yields Melo and Bledsoe is going to happen, regardless of the rumors suggesting otherwise

James Baumann: Oh crud. I normally do read the Ringer, but hadn't seen that. Don't want people to think I'm plagiarizing. 

I still believe the whole LeBron goes to Miami / Cavs stock up #1 picks / he comes back was a long con. I don't know if dummy Dan Gilbert knew about it, but I still think it was real