It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything worth sharing. I’ve just been swamped, so here are seven things I’ve been thinking about lately but haven’t had time to write about at length.
Applesauce. This isn’t really a sauce. We don’t put it on anything. You have to put it on something for it to be a sauce. Tomato sauce is a sauce because it goes on pasta. However, if you put the applesauce under something you might get away with calling it an apple coulis…
Impress your friends. A sauce under food is a coulis, pronounced "coo-lee" so you don't sound like a douche.
And why is applesauce one word, but tomato sauce is two?
I’ve seen fewer dead squirrels recently. Squirrel roadkill is in serious decline. Clearly, squirrels are getting better at crossing the street… There is less hesitation, less frantic indecision. They’re timing is better. I think they’re evolving.
An increasingly rare sight -- Darwinism at work.
You know how, when you screw up in the Army, your whole squad has to do pushups? Every time I hear the latest terrible news, (like the latest school shooting), I feel like we should just all stop what we’re doing and drop down and do pushups for the whole human race. We might not have done anything wrong, but we’re all in this thing together.
"This is your conscience dick-balls! You owe the world one hunnerd pushups!"
I learned recently that the most dangerous part of mountain climbing is coming down the mountain after you’ve reached the summit. I think an outdoors manufacturer should develop a mountain climbing suit equipped with a ripcord. When the climber reaches the top he or she pulls the cord, which then releases and inflates a fabric bubble of helium that completely closes around the climber. That way they can just bounce lightly down the mountain without getting hurt. Sounds ridiculous, but I think it has merit.
Yes, James Bond thought of it first. But I added the genius, helium part!
Which reminds me of my idea for a bear proof suit… Same deal as above, but instead of a helium bubble, when you pull the rip cord it releases a thousand sharp spikes that essentially turn you into a giant, human porcupine thereby deterring the bear.
Apparently, they already thought of this in the 1800s. Damn it.
Confession. I love Katy Perry’s “Roar” and have recently reevaluated “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid as a near perfect example of the contemporary showtune. Also, this song makes me cry.
Hot.
And, finally, why is it that movie actors will actually get naked, kiss, and/or touch each other on camera, but they won’t actually get punched in the face or shot? Don't just do the fun stuff. If they can really feel someone up, why can't they really get punched?
Really kissing...
Not really punching...
There you have it. Like I said, I don’t have time to dwell on this stuff, so feel free to answer any of these questions for me or elaborate in the comments section.