Hey guys! Hassler here. It's sort of a touchy week around the Pencilstorm offices, because not only is the spiked eggnog flowing, but we got an NFL Civil War happening this Sunday. Big $ and K-Dubs the Soldier from the North Coast Posse will be cheering on their beloved Brownies while Brian Phillips will be rooting on his Seattle Seahawks. Personally I have no dog in this fight, as my favorite teams are the Patriots and Packers. I'm also a big Tony Romo fan so when he plays I pull for the Cowboys. Anyway, I thought it would be fun if I asked Big $ and Brian about this week's games and maybe see if we could all meet up to watch somewhere. I'm totally free. Let's get this party started!
Hassler: Both these teams are led by young, star quarterbacks in Johnny Manziel and Russell Wilson. Which team has the advantage under center or is it pretty much a wash?
Brian - Are you high, Hassler? Let's start with the fact that Wilson's only known vices are his obsessive abstinence, relentless Bible-quoting, and visiting sick kids on Tuesdays. Somehow through all that he's mastered his offense despite having a group of skill players made up mostly of guys who weren't even drafted. Two of his offensive lineman didn't even play on the line in college. His top two running backs are out now, you think he cares? Over the past three games he's hardly had to run at all. He's getting the ball out of his hands at a Tom Brady speed of somewhere around 2.2 seconds on average. Manziel, meanwhile, leads the league in apologies and regret. This clown will have to rub his fingers together a lot harder if he ever hopes to make the kind of coin Wilson is making.
Big $ - Well, since you flashed the money sign at me the last time we passed each other at Colin's Coffee, Hassler, I have a pretty good idea where you fall in this debate. However, football I.Q. , work ethic and character are three components of a successful signal caller, and Russell runs laps round Jff in those areas.
Hassler - Brian, I'm not high and just in case anybody from the agency is reading this, Brian was JUST KIDDING. So I'm not high, but the Browns remind me of the Seahawks just a couple of years ago. Sure they are struggling now, but with all these high draft picks it shouldn't be long before they end up in a Super Bowl. How long before Manziel gets a ring?
Brian - What? The Browns remind me of the Seattle Mariners, actually. A litany of poor draft picks, head scratching signings.....one manager after another. Dopey owner. Idiot GM. The Browns should be seized by the league and owner Jimmy Haslam should be thrown in prison. Did you know they're paying Dwayne Bowe $4.5 million a year? This has to be some sort of money-laundering scheme. That's the only way it makes sense. Sure the Browns have a high pick coming again but what makes you think they'll use it wisely? Not me. If Hackenburg leaves Penn State they'll probably take him. Manziel wins 3rd place in a College Station golf scramble maybe, but never a ring. Not gonna happen, pal.
Big $ - Surprisingly, I do believe Johnny will bring Cleveland a ring. Once his NFL tenure ends (sooner rather then later), the marketing guru that is Dan Gilbert will bring him to his rightful home in the Arena League. I fully expect Manziel will sling the Gladiators a ring no later then 2018.
Hassler - It would be sweet if the L.A. KISS signed Manziel. Maybe KISS could rewrite the words to.... "God of Football." Or they could just use "King of the Night Time World" as is. Just sayin'. Brian, I hate to be a pain, but you still owe me a six pack of Bud Light from the Super Bowl last year when my Patriots stuffed beast mode just like I predicted at the Pencilstorm Christmas Party. Can the Seahawks get back to the big game again this season? And can I get that beer soon? I'm sorta broke. Just sayin'.
Brian - Cripes. As I told you at the time, no one over the age of 13 should have more than one favorite team in any sport. It's embarrassing. I'll tell you what, Hassler. I'll give you 21 points Sunday and if I lose I'll buy you a whole keg of Bud Light and have it delivered draft night so you can drown your sorrows. Anyway... Sure the Hawks can get back, but it's going to be tough. Carolina and the Cards are really good this year. I'm realistic. Just enjoying the ride. Kind of like you and the Patriots.
Hassler - How do you guys see this game playing out and where are you watching it? Maybe we could all get together somewhere? My ex-Kim has the cats this weekend so I'm totally free if you want to meet up.
Brian - Watching at home. My wife hates you. I'd watch it with you but you'd just wear your Brady jersey. That's lame.
Big $ - I fully expect the Seahawks to win by 17 and I predict Ahtya Rubin will inflict some serious pain on #2. As for where I'm watching the game Jeff, I know I'm gonna regret this but the NCP will be at Patrick J's in Clintonville.