Have you heard the news? Sports gambling has come to Ohio! That’s right, my backward Buckeye state has finally joined the ranks of Michigan, Indiana, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania in legalizing wagering on sporting events.
Opening joke aside, I suspect you already knew this because of the NASA-sized advertising budgets being used by the major casinos trying to line up us helpless squares and drain our already meager bank accounts. Each gambling app is offering new customers “free” bets to win our loyalty and wallets.
It was an offer I couldn’t refuse so I went ahead and opted with Fanduel since I already had it active on my phone for reasons I cannot exactly remember. I think maybe I bet on horses during the pandemic? It was a strange time.
Speaking of horses, the first time I ever placed a bet was at Ocean Downs outside Ocean City, Maryland while my family was on summer vacation. I couldn’t have been more than 12 years old when my Dad offered to put down a $2 bet for me since all the adults were having fun and I was kinda bored. I had to use my own money (I had saved my paper route money to spend in the arcades on the boardwalk) and he gave me the only gambling advice I would ever need, “Colin, when you are gambling, I want you to imagine taking the money you are betting, and flushing it down the toilet. If you are OK with that, you are okay to gamble with it.”
So I threw down my $2 and I hit $36 dollars!!! This was an unprecedented windfall for a kid my age. Easy money. Way easier than dragging newspapers around in the cold, dark Ohio winters. I soon converted those thirty six dollars into 144 quarters and played video games for hours with the sound of the Atlantic Ocean waves barely audible over the arcade noise. It was glorious.
It was also the last time I remember winning any money betting on horses.
Other notable gambling memories include eating apples for a week after losing my entire weekly Watershed touring per diem ($115) on three consecutive roulette wheel spins at 3 am at the Luxor in Las Vegas and dropping $100 I couldn’t afford to lose at Riverboat Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi; once again in the middle of the night. I’m noticing a pattern here. But that was back in the days when casinos were these exotic, exciting places where you rarely found yourself. There was pressure to go for broke while you had the chance. Flash forward to 2023 and casinos are now so commonplace that I have never even visited the Hollywood Casino in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio. It doesn’t sound exotic & exciting. It sounds sad & depressing.
Of course there have been many fun times too, but for me, it’s never been about the winnings. I have been to Vegas for both March Madness and the Super Bowl and I cannot remember if I won or lost but it was fun to watch the games with a little action and surrounded by folks doing the same. It wasn’t just fun. It was a blast. The last time I was in Vegas, my son Owen and I put a bet on a hockey game that the final goal total would be an even or odd number. I can’t remember which, but either way we were riveted by the action screaming as pucks were bouncing off the posts. I don’t remember who was playing because it didn’t matter. I wasn’t betting to win, I was buying an hour of entertainment. That is the upside of sports betting. You don’t get that playing blackjack or craps.
I know enough gamblers to know I am not one. I don’t have the nerve. I hate losing money way more than I enjoy winning it. And I have never had a steady paycheck so there is that. And…it probably doesn’t help that I’m bad at it. So far I have hit only 3 of my 13 FanDuel bets I have placed since January 1st. And I take safe bets. No crazy parlays or long shots. Just $5 bets on games I am already watching. Once again, I look at it as buying entertainment. For the price of just one beer at an actual NFL game, I can bet $5 on yards over receiving yards for a player on opposing teams of a game I’m watching. Now I’m interested, even if it's just a small bet. This is the only sure fire way to beat the house. To have fun regardless of winning or losing.
Another reason I will never follow Art Schlichter to that dark place is that I do not have a gambler's heart. Even the pressure of a “free” $200 bet stresses me out. I kind of wish they had never given me the damn thing. What to do? I find myself lying awake in the dark crunching numbers searching for the right move. I do not enjoy this feeling. Why am I stressed? It’s not even my money. Time to click on my meditation app. “These are only thoughts, you control your thoughts…..Ohmmm.”
I should also mention, I prefer in-person betting to phone-betting. By a lot. I know, I know, “But it’s the same thing on your phone and it’s so convenient. Why do you want to actually place bets?” I’m sure I’m in the minority but winning money on my phone doesn’t feel like winning. It’s just a number that sits there until I am ready to bet again. When you bet in person, your actual cash dollars go into the kiosk, and when you win, you take the winning ticket up to the nice old lady in the window and say “read it and weep, grandma.” And you get a wad of bills stuffed into your palm to spend on whatever you desire. In my case, usually an ice cold beer. Who is the winner now? ME.
Anyway, back to the business at hand. Lucky for me, the “free bet” promotion expires soon so I have to pull the trigger this weekend. No more fretting or hand wringing. “Winners play and players win baby!” so I decided to place my $200 bet on the Bengals in the AFC Championship game. This is not based on football strategy or inside information. I am not going for a huge payday. I figure I will be watching the game anyway, so I will throw down with Joe Burrow and the Cincy boys. Sports gambling has come to my hometown and for better or worse, it will never be the same. Who dey?
ps. After writing this I decided to hedge my Bengals bet with $50 on KC at -1.5. Like I mentioned before, I hate losing money more than I like winning it, so this ensures I will make a profit off my “free” bet which will leave me in the black heading into the Super Bowl and March Madness, the next two events I plan to wager on. Also, I put $15 on the Eagles at -6.5 paying at +158 because after seeing how crazy those Phlly fans act at Donerick’s Bar on High Street, I think the home team might kick some San Francisco ass. (Please do not take this as advice. I am 3-13 on NFL bets heading into this weekend.)
Colin Gawel plays solo and in the band Watershed and wrote this at Colin’s Coffee.
Bonus Prop Bets!
A couple Pencilstorm sharps weigh with some bets for you squares.
Big $ (North Coast Posse) - I took Kyle Jusyck +1300 to score (San Fran fullback). Can’t beat the value and Coach Shanahan has used him in the red zone before. I also like KC RB Isiah Pacheco over on 47½ yards.