Ranking the Best VH Songs! Pencilstorm Goes on Spring Break to Cabo Wabo! - by Jeff Hassler

HEY GUYS!! Hassler here. I'm super stoked for Spring Break this year. Got the whole week off from Nationwide and I am totally single and totally ready to mingle. The Pencilstorm offices are going to be closed March 13th-22 so if you start jonesing for Pencilstorm hit our archives page and type in a word like Bon Jovi or Hassler. 

Colin and Ricki are totally burned out so they asked me to post something before we fly out tomorrow. I got a voice mail late last night, "Hassler, can you post something about how Pencilstorm is on vacation for a few days? Please don't do anything embarrassing." I know the guys love ranking songs by bands like KISS or Cheap Trick so I thought I would chip in with the TEN Best VH songs. You know, V H = Van Halen.  And the whole gang is headed to Cabo Wabo anyway... Just Sayin!

Hassler's 10 Best VH Songs! 

#10 - Running With The Devil - This is the only song I ever mastered after three years of bass lessons in high school. My ex-wife Kim said it was the first thing that attracted her to me when we played it at the Worthington High School talent show.

#9 - Beautiful Girls - I remember being on spring break in Panama City when I was in college and they would always play this at Club LaVela during the wet t-shirt contest. I tried to talk Kim into entering and the one time she did she WON! I missed it though. Had one too many "shark salutes" the night before and couldn't answer the bell if you know what I mean. (Ha!) What are the odds the one time I don't go she decides to dance? It was nice of those guys from the Auburn wrestling team to let her crash at their place that night too. Southern gentlemen no doubt.

#8 - Best of Both Worlds - When Kim had that job selling beers in the parking lot of the Varsity Club on game days and I would come visit her before going to see kick-off this song would play and I knew I truly had the "Best of Both Worlds." And Bobby Olive made THE CATCH.
 

#7 - Ice Cream Man - I've always been a big fan of interesting lyrics like from Rush and Bon Jovi but this one is cool because it's not just Ice Cream that Dave is talking about. Give it another listen if you missed it.

#6 - Summer Nights  - Come on! A stone cold classic. Reminds me of Thunder Road.

#5 - Feels So Good - The guys give me a hard time about it but OU812 is the best VH album. Case closed. 

#4 - Right Here Right Now - Think about it. Seriously. Live in the moment. One time I tried to do a Hot Yoga class with Kim and it got really hot. Like super hot.  We were supposed to have a mantra so I kept saying to myself Right Here Right Now. I guess I got a little carried away because Kim started telling me to be quiet but I was in the zone. I was sweating so many toxins out and so in the zone that I sorta got sick right then and right now. Kim was sweet to help me clean it up. 

#3 TIE!!!!!! Love Walks In AND When It's Love. Kim and I danced to Love Walks In at our wedding but When It's Love was always "our video." I'm sorta glad MTV doesn't play videos anymore. The thought of Kim watching this with Chad makes me nauseous. Like hot yoga. 

#2 - Jump - Well. duh!

#1 - Cabo Wabo - I'm kind of new to this tune as when Kim and I were having some trouble my attorney insisted I stay away from triggers so I would pass the mandatory blood test. But now that I am single and ready to mix it up I FELL IN LOVE with this song. And the Pencilstorm staff is going to CABO. I'm so stoked for the trip I made a fan video to get everybody pumped up. This one is for Wal and Scott! 

Sorry you guys won't have any new Pencilstorm stuff for a week but I'll do a shot of Cabo for you. I hope it isn't too expensive. Hassler is out. 

Check Out the Video I made!!!! - Hassler.

MINHA VIBE !

Pencilstorm Rockers Have Rocking Gigs Coming Up - by Jeff Hassler

Want to rock the night away with some of the guys from Pencilstorm?  In September and beyond, Scott, Colin and Wal will all be appearing locally (but separately).  Check out the details below. - Jeff Hassler

Colin Gawel

Every Thursday

Pencilstorm Editor-In-Chief and infamous Columbus rocker, Colin Gawel, takes his solo talents to the stage every Thursday night at the Four String Taproom on West Sixth in Grandview Hts. A more intimate version of his solo bands and Watershed, Colin sounds like part Springsteen jamming out his acoustic on the Jersey Shore with a little bit of Black Crowes and The Rolling Stones mixed in. But like the good Black Crowes that played "She Talks to Angels." Not that hippy stuff.  Make sure to catch his set starting at 9pm. Every week will be a different set of Watershed, League Bowlers and solo tunes. Though he has still NEVER played "Wanted Dead or Alive" even though I request it all the time. One time I covered his rent and he promised to play it for me one day. Could that day be one of these days?? It's only fair. Just sayin'. A quick word of warning about Four String Brew, everybody knows I'm a Coors Light guy but I do really like their new Hilltop Lager. But last time I was at the taproom for our Thursday night pinball league, Greg May bought me a couple of Switchblade IPA and I threw up all over the KISS game and ended up asleep in the Five Guys dumpster covered in mustard and some kind of sauce resembling mayonnaise.  That Switchblade packs a punch so take er sleezy when you are sucking down those sudz! Hassler warned ya!!

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Radio Tramps

Sept. 23

Resident discographer and historian, Scott Carr, will be rocking out with his band Radio Tramps this Saturday, September 23 at Cardo's Pizza & Tavern in Pickerington. Performing hits that span nearly four decades of rock, dance and pop,  the Radio Tramps will give you a total live, raw and in-your-face four-hour music experience. With soaring vocals, high energy, and a relentless pursuit of fun, they are sure to please all night long. The show starts at 8:30 pm. Get your grub on, get your drink on and get Tramped! I should know. I got Tramped at their Red, White and Boom show, tried to hug Tiffany and then fell off the stage in front of thousands of people. Even worse, my boss, Mr. Johansen saw the video on youtube and suspended me from all church activities for three weeks. Very embarrassing. Great band though! 

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Armada

Sept. 30

Wal Ozello will be fronting his band, Armada, next Saturday, September 30 at King Avenue 5. Once credited as "Rush meets Bon Jovi," Armada will play a staple of originals made popular during their days at the Alrosa Villa along with a mix of covers from '80s hair bands. Not your average bunch of musicians, you'll have to catch them as they pull off Rush, Journey, Tesla and Guns N Roses in a way few other bands can. Rumor has it this may be one of their last shows, so make sure to catch them while you can. I know I will be there. Not only do they always put on a great show but I met my future ex-wife Kim at one of their sold-out shows at the Alrosa Villa back in the day. Actually it was my first and last time working as the Armada drum tech but if I hadn't gotten fired before showtime Kim and I never would have hooked up. She liked that I knew drummers and was hoping I could get her back stage. She used to be so much fun back then and she looked so sexy in her Triumph Sport of Kings T-shirt. If I had known how she had gotten the shirt from Gil Moore in the first place I probably wouldn't have proposed so soon but I was young, dumb and full of.....ANYWAY... Doors open at 7pm and special guest No Direction starts at 8 pm. Make sure to get there early as Armada promptly takes the stage at 9 pm.

Look for more Pencilstorm appearances in the upcoming weeks! See ya at the gigs and buy me beer why don't you? - Hassler is out. 

Big $ and Brian Phillips Talk Browns v Seahawks - by Jeff Hassler

Hey guys! Hassler here. It's sort of a touchy week around the Pencilstorm offices, because not only is the spiked eggnog flowing, but we got an NFL Civil War happening this Sunday. Big $ and K-Dubs the Soldier from the North Coast Posse will be cheering on their beloved Brownies while Brian Phillips will be rooting on his Seattle Seahawks. Personally I have no dog in this fight, as my favorite teams are the Patriots and Packers. I'm also a big Tony Romo fan so when he plays I pull for the Cowboys. Anyway, I thought it would be fun if I asked Big $ and Brian about this week's games and maybe see if we could all meet up to watch somewhere. I'm totally free. Let's get this party started!

Hassler: Both these teams are led by young, star quarterbacks in Johnny Manziel and Russell Wilson.  Which team has the advantage under center or is it pretty much a wash?

Brian -  Are you high, Hassler? Let's start with the fact that Wilson's only known vices are his obsessive abstinence, relentless Bible-quoting, and visiting sick kids on Tuesdays. Somehow through all that he's mastered his offense despite having a group of skill players made up mostly of guys who weren't even drafted. Two of his offensive lineman didn't even play on the line in college. His top two running backs are out now, you think he cares? Over the past three games he's hardly had to run at all. He's getting the ball out of his hands at a Tom Brady speed of somewhere around 2.2 seconds on average. Manziel, meanwhile, leads the league in apologies and regret. This clown will have to rub his fingers together a lot harder if he ever hopes to make the kind of coin Wilson is making. 

Big $ - Well, since you flashed the money sign at me the last time we passed each other at Colin's Coffee, Hassler, I have a pretty good idea where you fall in this debate. However, football I.Q. , work ethic and character are three components of a successful signal caller, and Russell runs laps round Jff in those areas.

Hassler -  Brian, I'm not high and just in case anybody from the agency is reading this, Brian was JUST KIDDING. So I'm not high, but the Browns remind me of the Seahawks just a couple of years ago. Sure they are struggling now, but with all these high draft picks it shouldn't be long before they end up in a Super Bowl. How long before Manziel gets a ring?

Brian -  What? The Browns remind me of the Seattle Mariners, actually. A litany of poor draft picks, head scratching signings.....one manager after another. Dopey owner. Idiot GM. The Browns should be seized by the league and owner Jimmy Haslam should be thrown in prison. Did you know they're paying Dwayne Bowe $4.5 million a year? This has to be some sort of money-laundering scheme. That's the only way it makes sense. Sure the Browns have a high pick coming again but what makes you think they'll use it wisely? Not me. If Hackenburg leaves Penn State they'll probably take him. Manziel wins 3rd place in a College Station golf scramble maybe, but never a ring. Not gonna happen, pal.

Big $ -  Surprisingly, I do believe Johnny will bring Cleveland a ring. Once his NFL tenure ends (sooner rather then later), the marketing guru that is Dan Gilbert will bring him to his rightful home in the Arena League. I fully expect Manziel will sling the Gladiators a ring no later then 2018.

Hassler -  It would be sweet if the L.A. KISS signed Manziel. Maybe KISS could rewrite the words to.... "God of Football." Or they could just use "King of the Night Time World" as is. Just sayin'.  Brian, I hate to be a pain, but you still owe me a six pack of Bud Light from the Super Bowl last year when my Patriots stuffed beast mode just like I predicted at the Pencilstorm Christmas Party. Can the Seahawks get back to the big game again this season? And can I get that beer soon? I'm sorta broke. Just sayin'.

Brian - Cripes. As I told you at the time, no one over the age of 13 should have more than one favorite team in any sport. It's embarrassing. I'll tell you what, Hassler. I'll give you 21 points Sunday and if I lose I'll buy you a whole keg of Bud Light and have it delivered draft night so you can drown your sorrows. Anyway... Sure the Hawks can get back, but it's going to be tough. Carolina and the Cards are really good this year. I'm realistic. Just enjoying the ride. Kind of like you and the Patriots.

Hassler - How do you guys see this game playing out and where are you watching it? Maybe we could all get together somewhere? My ex-Kim has the cats this weekend so I'm totally free if you want to meet up. 

Brian - Watching at home. My wife hates you. I'd watch it with you but you'd just wear your Brady jersey. That's lame. 

Big $ -  I fully expect the Seahawks to win by 17 and I predict Ahtya Rubin will inflict some serious pain on #2. As for where I'm watching the game Jeff, I know I'm gonna regret this but the NCP will be at Patrick J's in Clintonville.

Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler "Prepare" For This Year's Fantasy Baseball Draft (Explicit)

Editor's note: I didn't think it would last. Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler are going into their third season co-managing a fantasy baseball team. 

To say the pair have a difficult relationship is an understatement. Hassler's love of watery lime-flavored light beer, Ed Hardy shirts, and "douche music" is plenty for Phillips, a man Hassler has described as "a graying hipster" and "the world's oldest skinny anglophile motherfucker." To make matters all the worse, Hassler is an avowed Yankee fan. Phillips, on the other hand, is a lifelong Mariners devotee. Hassler has compared Phillips' frequent reminders of his long-running suffering at the hands of his often bottom-dwelling M's as "the baseball version of my constantly complaining ex-wife." Phillips counters that Hassler's ex-wife doesn't complain any more now that "she's signed with another club." The bile flowing between them is, for those that know them, cheap entertainment.

Still, through some sort of grim dedication, the Westerville Fister Of Fury enter their third season coming off a solid second place showing in 2014. Last summer was a vast improvement over 2013's 7th place finish. The two owners have agreed to let us peer inside their thought processes as they prepare to draft their 2015 squad on Tuesday.

Hassler, since you didn't answer my email, I've decided on our keepers: Rendon, Betts, Gray, deGrom, and Paxton. You'll recall that in our league kept players must be 27 years old or under. Thoughts?

What email? I saw no email, bud. Betts is on the Red Sox, right?

And let's get that out of the way right now. Need I remind you, Jeff, that last season, when I drafted players based on the stats they would bring to our squad, we finished in the money. When I was out of town in 2013 and you grabbed every God-damned Yankee you could find we finished 7th!

Jeter was coming off an outstanding year in 2012! 

Yes, it was real nice, but that doesn't mean you take a 38 year old shortstop in the fifth round, especially when the man's ankle snapped in half during the playoffs.... 

I thought he'd be ready by at least June.

73, Jeff. 

Is that how fucking old you are, Phillips?

No, that's the number of plate appearances the "captain" managed in 2013. 5th round! And don't get me started on C.C. Sabathia.

Again Phillips, great year in 2012. 

And I told you his home run rate was leaching upward that season and a guy with that many innings on his arm in that bandbox new stadium was a recipe for failure. 

Well, shows you what you know because he had a bad knee last year, not his arm.

His 2013 was shit-awful, Hassler. Last year came to a merciful end with the bum knee. You have a gift, Jeff, for identifying the final year a player is any good and then drafting that player after that final solid year is over.

You and your nerd shit. 

And of course your biggest achievement was making sure we had Alex Rodriguez. Unbelievable. 

And he's had a lot of time to chill and get himself together. I'd take him again this year. 

Well, we'll try to find room on the roster for an injury- prone/cheater/ part-time DH.

You're just angry he'll beat your beloved Mariners.

Yes, that's it Hassler. It was a happy time for me to at least have him on our team when he went .244, 7/19. Any issues with the other keepers? I know Rendon is hurt, but there's no final prognosis and I feel like he's worth stashing at only 24 years old.

I'll bet you a sixer of Bud Light Lime he has under 300 plate appearances this year.

You're on, but when I win I'd like some Four String Brew, please.

Hipster fuck. I see you protected your precious Mariner,  James Paxton.

I admit he's a bit riskier, but in that ballpark with his heavy ground-ball tilt regardless I like him to excel this year on a good club.

Another sixer the Yanks win more games than Seattle

Yes, please. I will take that bet, shithead. Rounding out the five we have reigning NL Rookie Of The Year Jacob deGrom and the solid Oakland starter Sonny Gray. 

Yup.

With those three locked up we don't have worry about pitching that early. 

The Mets suck.

deGrom doesn't and the Mets will also win more games than the Yankees. Will you give me another six-pack for that? Are you going to be at the draft?

Can't. I have a date. 

That's fine. Where are you taking her? Do not say Applebees.

Fuck you.