My KISS Record - Who Dares Win by Matt Walters

Click here for the complete results of the KISS Unmasked fantasy draft.

I have a confession to make........

The nonmakeup era KISS has never particularly been my favorite. 

Oh sure, like most, I will loudly champion the bookends of that era, Lick It Up and Revenge, to anyone within earshot. After all, they’re undisputed, formidable second-tier KISS classics (those records usually rank 8th and 9th in my respective rankings), featuring top-notch production, well-balanced songwriting, and the band at its most focused. I’d say the better half of those records are chock full some of the very best KISS songs overall.  (As an aside, you’re reading this correctly - no, I don’t count Carnival of Souls as a real KISS album - and we didn’t count it in our draft. It was never released while that band was still active, the band never toured it, and none of the songs have ever been performed live. If you want, I will totally fight you in the comments. It’s not a bad record. It’s just not really a real KISS album, to me.)

Anyway, like many recovering KISS fans, I spent most of 1984-1990, the years ASIDE from the bookend releases, wondering exactly where the hell my band went, and honestly trying to listen to as little current KISS as I possibly could. You might say that I buried my KISS credentials in the closest sandbar this side of Leon the Sphinx. 

Each time I was forced to endure a single listen to any of the four album-abominations released under the KISS moniker during that unfortunate era, I was reminded that Gene Simmons was mailing in songs from D list movie sets while intentionally dressing as Bea Arthur in pink sequins. A cringeworthy thought, to be sure....

To be fair, there are decent songs on all the albums. Animalize has a rather tragic combination of some of Paul’s very best non-makeup songwriting paired with Gene’s very worst half-assed efforts, while Asylum has a couple of memorable tunes amidst 7 or 8 totally forgettable clunkers, and outfits that make early-period Poison look like they’re wearing street clothes. Crazy Nights was Paul trying way too hard to be a hair metal band with Heart’s producer, which left Gene just kind of looking and sounding ridiculous, while Hot In the Shade are four or five finished songs and about 10 8-track demos. 

This all being said, when my fellow KISS and Baseball nerd Colin Gawel asked me to be part of the insanity that is the KISS NONMAKEUP FANTASY DRAFT, this KISS and Chicago White Sox stat geek absolutely jumped at the opportunity to strangle the numbers to truly determine which semi-terrible Gene Simmons metaphorical log-fireplace thrash masterpiece in particular I might place in my starting lineup ahead of an almost as worthless Paul Stanley tune perfectly tailored to sound like Jon Bon Jovi wrote a song hungover for a eunuch to yodel it.

You might say I was born to do it.     No, really, I was. 

When the draft order was unveiled, I was awarded the first pick by random lottery. I instinctively felt as though I had a bit of advantage, ensuring I could lead the pack in how the draft fell in the odd rounds. Not wanting to waste this golden opportunity, I did the absolutely unthinkable - I listened to Animalize, Asylum, Crazy Nights and Hot in the Shade on repeat for ten days, in an effort to make sure my power rankings of all the songs that I didn’t really know and would never listen to again could be as absolutely accurate as possible.

...and while listening to Read My Body, Lonely Is the Hunter, and Radar For Love might be enough for any person to scream NO NO NO, I’m happy to report that my research indeed paid off in spades. I had a great draft, ending up with a fantastic group of some of the best songs. I only had one pick in the draft that I felt was a bad pick, and I came away thinking most of my album were winners.

I did end up with a different problem, though. The most difficult thing, for me, was actually sequencing the result! While some of my fellow draft colleagues were conscious to select first single material, album closers, or complementary material that naturally flowed, I was so focused on selecting the best song available in each draft position that some of it became impossible to juxtapose! The tracks I ended up with typically ended up being either very fast and loud or very soft and ballad-like, and I ended up with two songs that seemingly had to open the album.  

So, after spending hours in the think tank with my draft analysis, I ending up spending even more time -  a few weeks with my trusted coaches and staff -  as we assembled just the right starting lineup for opening day. 

And here’s the result! 

(Note- the album title was selected because it was the excellent working title of Crazy Nights) 

Kiss - Who Dares Win -   by Matt Walters

Side 1

Unholy

The first overall pick in the draft, and pretty much everyone agreed it was the only choice to make at #1. It’s probably not the best song in the draft in my opinion, but it’s absolutely the most valuable, as it is the best Gene Simmons song and a clear head above the second best Gene songs (Not For the Innocent, Domino, Fits Like a Glove, Thou Shalt Not, Young and Wasted). There are many great Paul Stanley songs from the Lick It Up-Revenge era, and certainly a healthy debate about which is the absolute best (I could make a decent case for two or three of my subsequent picks below), but there’s absolutely no question which Demon song rules the roost.

Heart of Chrome

This was an early round pick that some might have termed a reach, but several other GMs let it slip when I made this pick that it was on their board next. My favorite Paul Stanley song from the non makeup era, I feel as the angry/defiant Starchild side of his persona was reborn in this excellent Revenge track (see Sure No Something and Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me for reference to similar themes). This makes the ideal #2 track in my sequence, with a driving riff and the best lyrics of any song on the album. 

Fits Like A Glove

This has to be a middle of the order track in my sequence, as it’s the second best Gene hitter in my lineup, and a solid live rocker that would become a live staple for many tours. I’ve always loved this standby that for me, never gets old. I was thrilled to see his solo band recently put it back in the set...

Reason to Live

I have two ballads in my lineup, and I opted for the power ballad in the cleanup spot. As much as I dislike the idea of a power ballad carrying the proverbial weight, this track has the most mileage in terms of hit potential and will probably be the anchor of the lineup’s success. 

Thrills In The Night

My choice for the first single rounds out side 1. I never understood why this very underrated song didn’t take with either the band or the public, as it features an excellent, slinky verse riff, a great little builder of a bridge, and an explosive, catchy chorus. Given any amount of label push I feel this track could have propelled Animalize to 2x platinum (as I feel Who Wants to be Lonely might have propelled Asylum to platinum if properly marketed as a single). 

Side 2 

I’ll Fight Hell to Hold You

I put this urgent, solid Crazy Nights rocker in the position of side 2’s opener, partly because in the CD era side 2 openers matter less, but also because I needed separation from my eventual closer, which is very musically similar. I think it features some of Paul’s very best higher register vocals and some excellent guitar work from Mr. Bruce Kulick. 

Good Girl Gone Bad

This is my second favorite Gene song from Crazy Nights (after the excellent Hell or High Water, which I missed out on), and I was pleasantly surprised when it fell to me in one of the late rounds. A great medium tempo track that fills out the album tracks nicely. 

Love’s A Deadly Weapon

...and now we are into filler territory. The best thing I can say about this track is that it’s better than No, No, No, but it’s unfortunately completely devoid of a memorable chorus. Of course, you can’t expect to have all winners in this draft...

Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell

My lone error in the draft was selecting this tune with the underrated “The Street Giveth and the Street Taketh Away” still on the board, which fell to the savvy Colin two picks later. Although this isn’t a completely bad track, there’s nothing too noteworthy about it either. Like many tracks on Hot in the Shade, it’s just sort of there. 

Every Time I Look At You I feel this excellent Revenge ballad has to be the penultimate song in the sequence, the pause of reflection before the closing punch. A rare, complete ballad from Paul that was well arranged and has many of producer Bob Ezrin’s hallmarks. A track I still go back to today as a great example of a well-written love song. 

I’ve Had Enough (Into the Fire)

 I was tempted to put this song as the opener, but I knew I also needed a no-holds-barred closer. Once it became clear this was the only candidate in the bunch with its powerful staccato ending and high octane energy, I built the last half of my sequence around it. The best song on Animalize featuring a great Paul vocal, top notch guitar work from Mark St. John, and one of the best middle eights in any KISS song.

So that’s it! This was so much fun to do, and we discovered afterwards that it is something versatile enough that could be done with many different eras of KISS. I think the most fun part of the process was evaluating some of the songs I don’t typically listen to, and discovering some tracks I had forgotten about that have aged a bit better than I remembered. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still think some of those albums are among KISS’ very worst, but I might dust off the old vinyls for the occasional spin of an album side....

Mel Kiper's Big Board: Ranking All the KISS Unmasked Songs

Mel's Kiper's Big Board: Ranking the KISS Unmasked Songs

The Unmasked draft is set. On Sunday February 18 in Cobo Hall in Detroit, six teams will be drafting songs from the KISS non-makeup era. Lick It Up to Revenge. Ping pong balls were pulled last week and the draft order is:  1) Matt Walters 2) Scott Carr 3) Mike Lovins 4) Jeremy Porter 5) Colin Gawel 6) David Martin.  Click here to learn more about the teams and the draft process .

To get you primed for the event we asked ESPN draft guru Mel Kiper Jr. to give us his expert opinion on how he sees the draft working out. Remember, his Big Board is NOT a mock draft and does not reflect what team needs must be addressed specifically. It's an overall assessment of how he values each song. Once again, this is NOT the actual draft, just an expert's best guess. The real draft results will be posted Thursday February 22nd at Pencilstorm. 

Take it away Mel Kiper Jr!!

1 - Unholy / Revenge:  The clear number one, the best Gene song by a country mile

2 - I've Had Enough / Animalize:  Probably the best written, hardest-rocking Paul song of the non-makeup era   This song can make all the throws.

3 - Heart of Chrome / Revenge:  My favorite Vinnie co-write and my favorite song on Revenge .

4 - Fits Like A Glove / Lick It Up:   Such a great Gene song, even if it was overplayed live

5 - Tears Are Falling / Asylum:   Maybe the best pure Paul song of the 80's

6 - Domino / Revenge:  Even if it was ripped off of a Black & Blue song, it still rips

7 - Lick It Up /  Lick It Up:   Great, even after a million times   This song ran a 4.3 at the Kiss combine.

8- Heaven's On Fire /  Animalize:   Same as LIU  

9 - Not For The Innocent /  Lick It Up:  An excellent LIU chestnut

10 - Thrills In the Night / Animalize:  Such an astute piece of writing for a great album of Paul material

11 - Get All You Can Take / Animalize:   Love this song, even with the over the top "fucking"

12 - Thou Shalt Not / Revenge:  A return to form for the demon, a heavyweight in topic and music

13 - A Million To One /  Lick It Up:  One of the greatest Paul power-ballads ever.

14 - Every Time I Look At You / Revenge:  Such a delicate song - no doubt heavily influenced by Ezrin

15 - King of the Mountain / Asylum:  Such a great opener - is there a better Carr drum track?

16 - Hell or High Water / Crazy Nights:  Underrated CN nugget from the Demon. Might be Kulick's best co-write.

17 - Turn On The Night / Crazy Nights:  Who doesn't love a little Diane Warren cheese?

18 - I'll Fight Hell To Hold You / Crazy Nights:  A great song in the vein of the other hardest Paul tracks from the 80's

19 - God Gave Rock and Roll To You / Revenge:  Just a great song and a great cover choice.

20 - Who Wants To Be Lonely / Asylum:  Might be the best melodic song on Asylum

21 - Reason to Live / Crazy Nights:   The song that saved Crazy Nights. Great chorus.

22 - Forever / Hot In the Shade:  Not my favorite, but hard not to rate it up there.

23 - Crazy Crazy Nights / Crazy Nights:  Just a great anthem.  Makes big plays in big games.

24 - Gimme More / Lick It Up   Another LIU classic.

25 - Young And Wasted /  Lick It Up:   Fond memories of Carr singing this one live.

26 - Under The Gun / Animalize:  Rounding out Paul's big 5 from Animalize

27 - Exciter / Lick It Up:   Not the greatest opener, but still a great song.

28 - And On The 8th Day / Lick It Up:  Might be the best closing track of all the 80's albums.

29 - Take It Off  / Revenge:  It's cheesy, but it slams.

30 - Good Girl Gone Bad / Crazy Nights:  I've always thought this Gene song was underrated (and his CN material holds up better than Paul's)

31 - Hide Your Heart / Hot In the Shade:  A well-written song with a great chorus. Of the times, but it still works. 

32 - Betrayed / Hot In the Shade: I've always thought this was an OVERRATED song by KISS fans simply because HITS was a bad album

33 - Paralyzed / Revenge:  I like this tune, but it doesn't rate that high because I like so many others better.

34 - Dance All Over Your Face / Lick It Up:  I've liked this song better than I probably should. It's just a typical Gene sleazefest.

35 -  Just Wanna / Revenge:  I don't really dig this song, but it really worked live and is well- written despite the Summertime Blues-isms

36 -  All Hell's Breaking Loose / Lick It Up:  I've never liked this song. The Paul rap thing doesn't work for me. 

37 - Thief In The Night / Crazy Nights:  This song isn't bad, but it just doesn't really have enough for me.

38 - Tough Love / Revenge:  An interesting song that needed a better chorus. Sounds too much like a worse version of Heart of Chrome

39 - Little Caesar / Hot In the Shade:  I think this isn't bad, but I've never thought it was that great. I think because it's Eric's vocal debut it's overrated

40 - Rise To It / Hot In the Shade:  Maybe the most overrated song ever. It's so funny how retro rock briefly became this terribly white blues in 88-89. It's good, but…..

41 - Cadillac Dreams / Hot In the Shade:  I LOVE this song, but many hate it. It's not great but I love Gene's solo because he took these kind of chances, so…...

42 - Any Way You Slice It / Asylum:  It's not as awful as it could be. The end is atrocious, though. Any time a song ends like that it's gets deducted major points

43 - Trial By Fire / Asylum:  Pretty good song for its placement, but not a winner

44 - I'm Alive / Asylum:  Not a bad song, but a milquetoast Paul thrasher. Essentially Under the Gun II      Talent pool is deep at this position, no need to reach. 

45 - Love's a Deadly Weapon / Asylum:  Not a terrible song either, but kind of forgettable

46 - Uh! All Night! / Asylum    I hate this song because the chorus sucks to me. I get it, but I'm not onboard.

47 - Secretly Cruel / Asylum:  The Double Virgo cover makes me like it more than I would without that reference point…...

48 - King of Hearts / Hot In the Shade:  Average HITS song but that's not saying much

49 - Prisoner of Love / Hot In the Shade:  Another average HITS song - some days I love it, some days…...

50 - Silver Spoon / Hot In the Shade:  Apparently this is the part of the list where average HITS songs go to die. I like the message better than the execution.

51 -  When Your Walls Come Down / Crazy Nights:  There's nothing that says we're getting close to the bottom like Crazy Nights filler

52 - The Street Giveth / Hot In the Shade:  This is a great idea for a song, if not the best song. I tend to like it more than not because I like Bowie

53 - Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell / Hot In the Shade:  Firmly in the not bad category, but not good either.

54 -  Spit / Revenge:  The Spinal Tapisms just don’t' work for me at all

55 - You Love Me To Hate You / Hot In the Shade:  Too whiny

56 - Lonely Is the Hunter / Animalize:  You know what else is lonely? The bottom of the rankings   Really hurt itself with a terrible performance at the East/West Shrine game.

57 - You Make Me Rock Hard / Smashes Thrashes & Hits:  I can't do the Smashes Thrashes and Hits tunes

58 - Let's Put the X in Sex / Smashes Thrashes & Hits:  see above

59 - While the City Sleeps / Animalize:  I try to make this song good because I want it to work. It really doesn't

60 - Love's A Slap in the Face / Hot In the Shade:  Just kind of there

61 - Carr Jam '81 / Revenge:  Not really a song

62 - Radar For Love / Asylum:  Paul gets embarrassing

63 - Murder in High Heels / Animalize:  Gene really took a shit on Animalize, didn't he?

64 - Burn Bitch Burn / Animalize:  A song I truly struggle not to skip - Off field problems raise a red flag. 

65 - Boomerang / Hot In the Shade:  Laughing out loud at this song moved it up a few spots from the bottom

66 - My Way / Crazy Nights:  Paul the Eunuch

67 - Read My Body / Hot In the Shade:  So I dub thee Unforgivable

68 - No, No, No / Crazy Nights:  No, No, No is right.

69 - Bang Bang You / Crazy Nights:  The Unforgivable II

Mel Kiper Jr. may or may not actually be Matt Walters. If you read this to the very end, you deserve and have earned the truth. 

Unmasked - The First KISS Non-Makeup Fantasy Draft

Regular readers of Pencilstorm know when it comes to covering the band KISS, we do not shy away from controversy. (Click here for 12 stories) But when Scott Carr and myself started discussing ways to evaluate the KISS non-makeup years, we knew we had to do better than a standard ranking by one guy.  Remember that Cheap Trick list that one guy did? It was fun, like, 5 years ago, but times change. People deserve more in 2018. Hell, just the other day, some guy drove an electric car into space with most of its expensive booster rockets returning to Earth without crashing. That's some mind-blowing Jetsons stuff. Or as the Scientologists say, "Progress.". 

So with fantasy baseball season coming up fast we thought, what if six guys had a fantasy draft pulling songs from the KISS records Lick It Up through Revenge, plus the two unreleased songs from Smashes, Trashes and Hits? Now, that would be interesting. Something never attempted before by mankind. How would random folks value this period in the band's history? Or shall I say......KISSTORY!!!

Hold on KISS Kruisers, I can hear you bitching....yes, we left off Carnival of Souls because everybody knows that's not a real record. The two people who have listened to that record can do a draft and we will be happy to publish the results on Pencilstorm. 

Anyway, in pursuit of the truth, we set out to find a diverse group of owners. And when I say diverse, I mean it in the RUSH rock n roll definition: a bunch of white guys who don't spend five nights a week together in the same bar.  Let's face it, white guys are pretty much the only demographic that sat through all of Hot in the Shade. After a lengthy vetting process conducted by a search committee, the following players were invited to join the league:

Matt Walters - I was christened a KISS fan at 3 in 1977 while living on Long Island by my then-16-year-old badass babysitter Donna Knappie. I would never be the same. After Peter and then Ace left, I lost interest, and I never really listened to the albums in the '80's until way later. The non-makeup era definitely has some of my least favorite albums, although I've grown to appreciate many of the songs on those albums over the years. I've seen KISS six times, including the Kiss Kruise III first night, considered one of the greatest and most surprising set-lists in KISStory. My KISS war-room is now in Oak Park IL, just outside of Chicago, complete with an acoustic guitar, KISS Alive Forever, and my trusty Ace solo album poster.

Scott Carr -  You may know me from numerous music-related stories that have been featured on Pencil Storm, many of them about Kiss. I also play guitar in Radio Tramps, a very active cover band from Columbus, OH. When I'm not doing gigs with my band you can usually find me at Lost Weekend Records, an indie record store in Columbus. 

My Kisstory dates all the way back to my youth when I first saw Kiss in concert during the Destroyer tour in July of 1976. From that day forward I have been a fan. The good, the bad and the ugly.....I've been there for it all. I saw Kiss a total of five times during the original make-up years and then numerous times during the non-makeup and reunion/farewell years. I've met all four original members of Kiss at different times over the years and have also met Eric Carr, Bruce Kulick and Eric Singer. I am hoping to meet the elusive Vinnie Vincent in June at a Kiss Expo in Nashville. 42 years om, I still love talking about and defending The Hottest Band In The World....KISS!

David Martin has seen Kiss perform live nine times and once asked Ace Frehley to autograph an empty McDonald's sack. He lives in Kansas City.

Colin Gawel - decided to give up a promising career in business for a nomadic life of rock n roll after being exposed to KISS Alive at the young age of 6. He thinks Paul Stanley's solo record is better than Ace's, saw every tour of the non-makeup era and is known to hijack random facebook threads and steer them into KISS conversations. He founded Pencilstorm for precisely this purpose. 

Mike Lovins - plays in the band Bava Choco. Spends his spare time taking pictures of people wearing Vinnie Vincent t-shirts.  Once spotted carrying a copy of Hot in the Shade around mid-town Manhattan for no apparent reason.

Jeremy Porter - KISS was the first band I discovered on my own, not through perusing my parents' record collection.  Alive! was the first record I bought with my own money. Ace Frehley was the first rock star I ever wanted to be. My interest waned as the original four lineup dissipated and I discovered punk rock, but some 25 years later I found myself sucked into the Kiss "Unplugged" episode and I saw that there was greatness in the post-makeup era too, albeit a bit more diluted than on those classic albums. Fast forward another 23 years and I'm locked in my home office, picking songs in this fantasy draft, and remembering that time I spotted Bruce Kulick literally across the terminal at LAX and rushed over to introduce myself.  "Who?" my wife asked innocently, trying to keep up.  My drafting war room is in Detroit where I will be researching with my band: Jeremy Porter and The Tucos.  

Up next: The draft lottery will be held Saturday February 10th at Cobo Hall in Detroit to determine the order of the draft. Stay tuned KISS nerds. - Colin Gawel