Nothing like some Dead Schembechlers on Thanksgiving to get you primed for Ohio State vs Michigan.
Read More12 of the Best Stories About KISS You Will Ever Read. Good and Bad.
KISS is playing the Sonic Temple Festival in Columbus this week; time for a KISS Saturday Night Special re-run.
Read MoreTom Petty Fans Were Right to Hate The Replacements - Jeff Hassler
In honor of tonight's Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers sold-out Value City Arena show, Pencilstorm re-presents this Jeff Hassler offering from our archives.......
The reunited and better-sounding Replacements are coming to Columbus this week and needless to say Colin, Greg and Ricki C. are just gushing about their greatness everyday at the Pencilstorm office. Brian Phillips is the worst of the bunch and since we co-manage a fantasy baseball team together there is NO escaping his CD1025 elitism. I like The Replacements OK, but one of the best bands ever? please... I thought "Don't Tell a Soul" had some good stuff on it. And the video for "When It Began" was pretty cool with the claymation and Tommy and Paul playing an accordion and banjo. Nice to see them maturing musically and not just falling back into a safe "Hootenany." But seriously? Those early records sound I like I recorded them on a Sony walkman. Totally amateur. Just saying!
I accept the fact the 'Mats have long roots around the 614. Hell, even Ricki himself got offerred a chance to roadie for them. People love to idolize how they showed up, got messed up, couldn't sober up and then the show was disaster. But since it's the holy Replacements, all is forgiven. Colin always makes fun of me for liking Bon Jovi but the bottom line is that bands like The Replacements and - I hate to say it - Watershed just never really had any mainstream success. Is it sour grapes or jealousy or the same thing? (No offense, CG, still love ya.)
Anyway, one of the more popular "old wives" tales is how the Replacements got their big break by opening for Tom Petty on his wildly successful Full Moon Fever tour but were too cool to even bother trying to win over Petty's fans, drawing boo's and catcalls until the 'Mats eventually quit the tour with their tails between their legs. To hang around Pencilstorm, you would think The Replacements were like the next ELO, and Petty's fans were just too stupid to appreciate them. That is FALSE.
Let me tell you, I was at the Petty / Mats show at Pine Knob in Michigan and the Mats deserved the cool reception they received. First of all, they came on ten minutes late and when they finally started playing the sound was really rough. To quote Slim, "not half bad, but ain't exactly good." And apparently they were too cool to hire a keyboard player to help out, so the songs from Don't Tell a Soul sounded really different from the record. I mean, a record company spends all that money printing and promoting your record and then when they finally get you in front a big crowd the songs sound different? That's just bad business. No wonder The Replacements always had trouble moving product.
Even worse, they made NO attempt to win over the Petty fans who were paying attention, if not enthusiastic. Hell, it was so loud you had to notice. There were no sing-along sections and I'm pretty sure they didn't even say "Hello Cleveland" or anything funny like that. I thought these guys were supposed to be funny. Sure, there weren't many people in their seats yet and I only counted around ten standing and clapping, but they could have tried a LITTLE harder. There were THOUSANDS hitting beach balls on the lawn seats. Way bigger than playing Staches. Just saying!
Anyway, the set mercifully ended and my future and now ex-wife Kim and I headed backstage for a meet & greet with Tom Petty himself. SCORE! A fraternity buddy of mine had an internship with Petty's record company and the fact that he was also Kim's ex-boyfriend didn't hurt either. Anyway, we are hanging around the green room with about thirty other people and in walks Tom Petty himself! Wearing a top hat and smelling a little…you know.. green…AND acting TOTALLY professional: "Hey folks, thanks for coming." Just as Kim and I were set to have him sign our cassette of Full Moon Fever, Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson lurches into the room, grabs our cassette out of Kim's hands and scrawls "TOM PETTY IS MY DAD" right across the cover. RUINED.
He pulls the beer out of my hand and chugs the WHOLE THING. Let me tell you, he didn't need any more alcohol. Listen, I'm not a teetotaler by a long shot. Just the previous spring break me and my frat brothers from Sigma Ki went to Panama City, Florida and let's just say Club La Vela was NEVER the same. Kim wasn't pleased. (Long story!) And big deal if Petty smokes some weed before a show. No cops backstage that I saw anyway.
But Stinson, he was SO drunk he kind of fell into Kim, put his head on her shoulder and started talking about how lonely he had been since his brother had been kicked out of the band. Pathetic, really. Kim, back before our divorce and the lawyers and hooking up with Russ, used to be very nice. She used to always take care of people. She used to be so kind-hearted. Writing this story now, I wonder why she changed. Anyway, she helped him up and asked, "Tell me Tommy, why did they kick your brother out of Tom Petty?"
"Because he wouldn't play… Free Falling……" He started to tear up and asked Kim, "Could you help me back to find the tour bus, I need to take my allergy medicine or my eyes will get all red. I should take a shower too. Please?"
I gently grabbed Kim by the shoulder and said, "Kim, I think he has had too much to drink and he isn't even in Tom Petty, that's Tommy Stinson from the Replacements."
She pushed my arm away and said, "DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE, JEFF"
I protested, "I'm not trying to start a fight. I just don't think its a great idea you going back to the tour bus. Besides Tom Petty is about to start."
"Why are you having a cow? Tony always said you were like this but I never believed him. Now, I am starting to think I was wrong to leave him. Especially now that he is a starting a successful career in the music business and you are STILL working at Subway."
"But Kim, I was just....."
"But.. But.. But.. Jeff, I am going to help Tommy back to his bus for some pills and a shower and then I will meet you back at our seats. Be a gentleman and grab me a large Bud light OK? I'll see you in thirty minutes."
"Ok, but I still don't....."
It was too late. Tommy and Kim walked out of the back of the green room. I felt really bad because I was kind of a dick. Here is Kim, just being the kind soul and me, getting all jealous. I knew I had to chill out or I was going to mess this thing up. I started humming "If You Love Somebody, Set them Free" by Sting as I headed off to the concession stand. I got back to our seats by the third song, "Listen to Her Heart." I just knew this would be the song Kim would return to. She would "Listen to Her Heart" and re-appear.
She didn't. BUT the next song was "Free Fallin'" and I was sure she wouldn't miss that one. It was her ALL TIME FAVORITE TOM PETTY song. She loved the line about Elvis and horses. She used to always sing that in the car when we would drive to G.D. Ritzy's between class. She wasn't a bad singer, really.
But she didn't come back. I was starting to get really worried by the time I finished off hers and mine 38 oz draft beers when suddenly I didn't feel very good. I tried to walk around by the tour buses out back to get some air. I started yelling, "KIM! KIM! It's Jeff! Where are you? Kim!"
Around that time a couple of big guys wearing shirts that said "Security" grabbed me and pushed me over the top of a chain-link fence and I landed rough on the gravel of the main parking lot. I don't know how long I laid there but when I finally collected my wits and rubbed the gravel out of my hair, the parking lot was empty except for maybe 25 cars where there had once been thousands.
Kim was standing by my blue Toyota Celica disheveled and noticeably upset.
"JEFF! It's almost three fucking thirty in the morning! Where have you been? The concert ended at eleven and I have been waiting here since 2:50. What the fuck have YOU been doing?"
"I'm sorry, it's just that I got us both beers and when you didn't come back I must have drank them both and I don't really remember what happened after "Even the Losers" Wait, you just got back to the car at 2:50? Where did you get those red boots?"
"At this point, after the way you have treated me, I don't feel like talking but if you must know, Tommy Stinson from Tom Petty gave them to me."
"But why did you get back so late? I don't under...."
Kim cut me off, "Don"t be an asshole Jeff" Just drive me home, I have aerobics class tomorrow at 9 am at Larkins. If we leave right now we can make it. You drive since I need to sleep."
"Okay."
To read previous Jeff Hassler stories please click here
Anyway, this is Jeff again, TOTALLY not pro… Watch this show opening for TOM PETTY with a striptease. Kim thought Tommy looked cute but I just didn't see the point.
Watershed Really Blew It (Again), By Not Playing FMMF by Jeff Hassler
Well, the big weekend has finally arrived! The Fashion Meets Music Festival is taking Columbus - and the United States - by storm. THIS is the festival that will put Columbus on the map. THIS is the festival that will dwarf Comfest and rival SXSW for national credibility. And you know who turned down the opportunity to perform? You guessed it, my pals in Watershed.
What makes it worse is that Colin didn't even ask the other guys in the band if they were interested in doing it. As hard as this is to believe, I happened to be standing with Colin both times he was asked. Once at a certain coffee shop, and once before a happy hour show at a music club in Grandview. Both times he nearly cut off the person asking by quickly responding, "Thanks for the offer, but we aren't available during that time. Good luck!"
I happened to know that Watershed was more than available during "that time" since we are having our Pencilstorm fantasy football draft that same weekend. When I asked politely why he was so quick to dismiss such an opportunity at a new, first class festival he got short with me as usual.
"Hassler, look at me. Look at what I am wearing. Why would Watershed perform at a Fashion Festival? I mean, I write songs because pretty boys who dressed nice got all the girls in high school anyway. At least the ones left over from the jocks. What's next? Should we play at Reggae fest? Or maybe between matches at the state high school wrestling tournament?"
See what I mean? Such a smart ass. Well, I hate to break the news to Colin, but once again, the joke is on him. Turns out they could have possibly been opening for O.A.R., one of the hottest most respected rock bands in the world. For a band like Watershed, that is most famous for having a book about them called, "Hitless Wonder," you would think Colin would recognize this could be THE BIG BREAK to signing with another major label. FMMF is going to as big as SXSW (or at least NXNW) and WSHED might have had a plum spot. We will never know. Think of all the successful music executives from LA and New York who could have turned out to catch their set.
To make matters worse, Colin and the Watershed guys are all excited to drive 600 miles to open for Cheap Trick at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach in October. OK, let's play Rock Manager 101: Option #1) Drive 600 miles to open for a band not even in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame; or #2) Drive 5 miles to open for a band - OAR - that most likely WILL make the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.
In full disclosure, I have to admit I am a huge OAR fan going back to my fraternity days at OSU. In fact, my ex-wife Kim and I got pinned right before at one of their early shows at the PHI Delts Nookiefest party. (Lighten up, all proceeds went to stop human trafficking, or at least that's what the frat brothers told Kim.) It was obvious that night these guys were going to be stars. At least what I remember from it. Long story!
Anyway, because the Watershed guys are my friends and I want what's best for them I tried to appeal to Ricki C. to talk some sense into Colin. I mean, Ricki loves arguing about the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. I would have expected him to see my point. I had Ricki check out the FMMF website and all he said was, "Jeff, the opening sentence of their press release has a grammatical error in it, and the second paragraph has a misspelled word, which in my eyes tends to undermine the hugeness of the event, in that they couldn't be bothered to hire a semi-competent copywriter and/or proofreader. And if it is indeed 'The Nations...largest and first collaborative fusion festival,' doesn't it follow that it also could be the first and smallest, the first and mangiest, the first and hungriest, the first and stupidest? I mean, it is the first one, after all."
Leave it to Ricki C. to get all bogged down in grammar.
When I made one last appeal to Colin to reconsider, I argued how fashion had indeed influenced his music. "How is that, Hassler?"
"Uh, maybe your biggest song, "BLACK CONCERT T SHIRT?"
"Jeff, will you please, please, just shut up."
OK, Colin, have it your way, but don't blame me when all the other bands at FMMF get signed and once again you guys are left wondering what went wrong.
I love ya brother, but you blew this one. Just sayin'.
Jeff Hassler is recently divorced and lives in a one bedroom apartment near Grandview Yards.
Click here to read his other stories featuring Bon Jovi, Kiss and Dead Schembechlers.
OK, Hassler here again, Don't take my word for it. Check out this clip of OAR performing live at Madison Square Garden playing my favorite OAR song, "Crazy Game of Poker". If you look close before the first chorus you can see my ex-wife Kim briefly (though we were "taking a break" from dating that Spring. Long story!) This song has it all: balls, reggae, great lyrics and showmanship. Below that is some clip of Cheap Trick that Colin makes me sit through every time he has more than eight beers so needless to say, I have seen it A LOT. It is in some park or something. Sad, really. I think you will see my point. Hassler is out.
O.A.R. - Headed to the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.....
Cheap Trick, not in the Rock Hall of Fame....
"Reason to Live" by KISS Gave Me a Reason to Live. - by Jeff Hassler
This is Day 5 of Kiss Kountdown. Click here for day 4 or Click here for Day 6 "Kiss Rocks vs Kiss Sucks"
Reason to Live Was My Reason to Live by Jeff Hassler
Thanks to Colin for letting me contribute to the Kiss Kountdown! I like to think I bring a different sensibility to the conversation. On one hand, I agree with Wal and Ricki C. that Kiss while wearing make-up were just a circus act. As a fan of quality music myself, I too had zero interest in the original line-up. Kids stuff.
But once the group "unmasked" (ha), got rid of all the special effects and replaced Ace Frehley with the completely superior musician Bruce Kulick, KISS finally started making records for grown-ups. While all the non-make up albums are superior to the previous (except for maybe The Elder) I think they hit their high-water mark when the band teamed up with master producer Ron Nevison for the blockbuster CD Crazy Nights. In fact, I would even go so far as to say it's even better than Bon Jovi's classic Slippery When Wet, which came out around the same time. Both went on to be HUGE sellers and influenced millions of people the world over.
What makes Crazy Nights so much better than the early Kiss stuff? Well, in addition to Bruce being a technically superior guitar player to Ace, Nevison finally brought the band into the modern world by adding all kinds of cool synthesizer parts. Kiss records like Rock n Roll Over and Love Gun just sounded so dated by the year 1987. So boring. Nevison was able to bring a modern rock quality to the record, allowing it to be on the cutting edge of the new metal scene that was happening. Digital recording got rid of all that noisy tape hiss, and sampled drums allowed Eric Carr's drumming to finally sound as thunderous as it did live.
For example, Reason to Live was the #1 video on MTV's daily countdown and it featured keyboards for the first time in a Kiss song since Beth. And the lead single, Crazy Crazy Nights, while not a smash in the States, went on to become one of the biggest hits of the decade in the UK. You know, England: home of The Beatles, Stones, The Who, Ozzy, Oasis, Def Leppard, Arcade Fire, Deep Purple.....do I have to go on? My point being that Great Britain knows a thing or two about good rock n roll, if you know what I mean. Let's face it, the USA can be a little off in our taste. I mean can anybody explain why Guns and Roses became huge and Faster Pussycat didn't? Exactly.
Desmond Child. Heavy Metal Personified.
Do you know what else Crazy Nights and Slippery When Wet had in common? Desmond Fucking Child! One of rock's greatest songwriters. Ricki claims he has never heard of him and Colin says "Desmond Child is where bad songs go to become even worse," but you cannot argue with his results. The guy is a lyrical genius and he has co-written more hits than any "Hitless Wonder" I know. Sorry, Colin, but you know it's true. Just sayin'.
I have my own story about how the songs of Desmond Child have touched my life. In 1987, I was a senior in high school and I had just met my later ex-wife Kim in French Club. (Looks good for a college resume: French Club that is, not Kim!) I went stag to the Valentine's Day dance and Kim got into a fight with her boyfriend Chase on the way there and ended up coming alone, too. When the DJ played "I'll Die For You" we danced and that became "our song." It was co-written by Desmond Child.
I'd die for you, I'd cry for you, I'd do anything, I'd lie for you, you know its true, baby I'd die for you, I'd cry for you. If it came right down to me and you, you know it's true, I'd die for you.
Hard to top that. Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and Kim and I were still going strong until.... One day she stopped by my parents house with some leftover cookies she had made as part of the dance squad for the lacrosse players. I don't know how to say this exactly, except she surprised me in my bedroom while I was doing a private act adolescent boys are known to engage in. I was listening to the song "Bang, Bang You" on Crazy Nights (also co-written by D. Child.) and didn't hear her knock. To make matters even worse, the school yearbook just happened to be open on the bed next to me turned to the page of the girls tennis team. I SWEAR it was just a coincidence, but when Kim saw the picture of Linda Assario stroking that backhand in her tennis skirt she just went CRAZY, screamed "Chase was right!" then threw the cookies in my face and stormed out of the room in tears.
I was beyond heartbroken. Frankly, I was borderline suicidal. I'm not sure I would have made it if not for this Kiss classic. Ricki C likes to say rock n roll saved his life, well the song "Reason to Live" saved mine. "Reason to Live" was literally was my reason to live. I played it first thing in the morning and the last thing at night for six straight months. I found strength in the words and in the sampled drum sounds. Desmond Child, I am forever in your debt.
"Reason To Live" (Stanley, Child)
Out of love, there's nobody around,
all I hear is the sound of a broken heart
Out of time, no more waitin' for you
Now the hurtin's through, and a new day starts
And I feel a change in my life,
I sailed into dark and endless nights
And made it alive
[Chorus:]
Everybody's got a reason to live, baby
Everybody's got a dream and a hunger inside
Everybody's got a reason to live, but it can't be your love
Out of touch, with myself for so long,
now a feelin' so strong comin' over me
Down the line, there's a lesson I've learned
You can love and get burned, if it has to be
And I see a change in my life,
and I'm not alone when I'm strong inside
And I realize
Anyway, Kim and I eventually met up again in college and got married and then recently divorced. Thanks for reading my blog. Hassler is out.
You can learn more about Jeff Hassler and other Pencilstorm contributors by clicking here
Below: 1) The video for the song that saved my life. 2) The best KISS lineup rocking Bang Bang You. LIVE!! It really takes off around 2:40. Trust me, it's worth the wait. 3) Kim and my song. 4) KISS live in a rare daytime concert from Germany on the Crazy Nights Tour. They are so much better without Ace, Peter or any lights or effects. Great set list too! Paul is playing the coolest guitar.
I wonder if Kim still plays this once and a while.
Brian Phillips and Jeff Hassler with Five Obnoxious Super Bowl Predictions
Pencil Storm contributor and recent divorcee Jeff Hassler and I are joining together to make Five Obnoxious Predictions for Super Bowl 48. I'll be laying it out from a Seahawks' perspective, Hassler the Broncos. We will not, however, be watching the game together. The man has many irritating qualities: his love of Bon Jovi, his passive-aggressiveness, his shameless bandwagon-hopping.... (he's a Yankee fan. I need not say more). Seattle's pending World Championship will bring many satisfactions. One of those will be the joy of Hassler being wrong.
My job is easier, I suppose, as America seems to already find my Seahawks.....shall we say, off-putting. That said, having America hate you is way more satisfying than losing. Suck it, Hassler. Oh, that feels good.
Five Obnoxious Seahawks Predictions
1. Peyton Manning will be sacked at least four times. He'll be hurried, harried, and flummoxed. He'll throw two interceptions. He'll be seeing Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett in his nightmares.
2. Russell Wilson will make at least two game changing throws, one for a touchdown, and pick up at least two vital third downs with his legs. He will end the game with a higher QB rating than Peyton Manning and win Super Bowl MVP.
3. Peyton Manning will think he has Demaryius Thomas open for a big gain on third and long. Richard Sherman will have carefully studied hours of film and figured out how to bait the future Hall of Famer into throwing it exactly where he wants it. Sherman will make a leaping pick, return it for a touchdown and then taunt Thomas, Manning, the entire crowd and the billions watching around the world. His jersey sales will spike again. Erin Andrews will make a mental note to ask Sherman about the play immediately after the game.
4. The Seahawks gave up 15 punt return yards.... the entire season.... With the Broncos down by three in the fourth quarter teeny tiny Trendon Holliday will make a fatal mistake, deciding against a fair catch inside the 20 on another cloud-level punt by proud Canadian Jon Ryan. Gunner Jeremy Lane will blast Holliday and fifth string wide receiver Ricardo Lockettte will recover his fumble. I will throw my beer in the air, run around the living room, and my family will flee upstairs. (This will have probably happened earlier in the day. Perhaps during the pregame.)
5. Following the Holliday fumble Marshawn Lynch will rumble 18 yards for a game-icing touchdown. Richard Sherman will stand on the bench waving a Super Bowl 48 towel in the air screaming Erin Andrews' name.
Final Score: Seahawks 30 Broncos 20
Five Obnoxious Bronco's Predictions by Jeff Hassler
1) Brian, EVERYBODY loves Payton Manning except you. Not only is he the greatest quarterback of ALL TIME, he is a regular guy, just like you and me. Well, maybe not you, but a regular guy like me. He is the kind of guy who just likes to play video games and knock back a couple Bud lights. Hang out with the fellas. And his little bro Eli.
2) Payton Manning has class, unlike some Seahawks I could name. One time, my ex-wife Kim and I ran into Payton and some of his buddies at a bar in Indianapolis while we were visiting for the Big Ten basketball tournament. He was SO COOL! He bought us jello shots and even let Kim get a picture with her sitting on his lap. And later when i wasn't feeling so great and had to turn in early, (too many shots- long story!) he even gave Kim a lift back to our hotel room. What a guy! She wore a Payton Manning jersey to bed almost every night after that up until our divorce. I wonder if she still wears it now living with Russ.
3) You Seattle fans are even more bitter than Browns fans. You guys always rag on me out at the bars for being a Yankee fan, but at least New York doesn't lose their franchises all the time. Heck, they even stole the Nets from New Jersey. That is because New York City has loyal sports fans, unlike Seattle and Cleveland. Maybe fans from those cities should quit pointing the finger of blame at ownership for losing the Sonics and Browns and realize that if the fans had been willing to support the team with a new arena/stadium the teams may have never left. Sports is a business after all, and I for one don't blame management for trying to maximize their profit, I blame lazy fans for not doing their part to help.
4) Why can't Richard Sherman act more like Greg Maddux? Seriously, you never saw Greg Maddux screaming down opponents after a big strike out and he is one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Yet, Richard Sherman for some reason feels like he has to shout from the rooftops every time he deflects a pass in the end zone. He is a really good player and since he went to Stanford I agree he isn't technically a "thug" (though he looks like one), but next time he makes a big play and before he starts running his mouth he should ask himself, "What would the Professor Greg Maddux do?" Just sayin' .
5) Sherman won't get the chance to run his mouth this week because Wes Welker is going to SCHOOL him. Payton Manning and Wes Welker are going to light up the Seahawks defense and give them a big dose of Bronco's humble pie. Manning and Welker aren't just going to win because of precise route running, sure hands and intelligent play calling. No, they are going to win because something much more important than strategy: it called "CLASS." Those two play the game the way it is supposed to be played, like the great Johnny Unitas. In my book, CLASS is way more important than 40 yd. times or Pro Bowl recognition. How many rings did Randy Moss win? Exactly.
Sorry Brian, Broncos 37 Seahawks 16 Manning and Welker are co - MVPs
Jeff can reached at jeffwonthassleryou@gmail.com. Learn more about him and our other contributors by clicking here.