Your Life Is Closer To Over: The Week That Was by Brian Phillips

In case you missed the first in our series last week, this is essentially a digest of various things I found interesting enough to pollute my Facebook feed with last week. Don't worry though, no Farm House game invites or whatever the hell that is. Farm House isn't correct. That was an ag major frat at Washington State. The only thing I can recall about Farm House was the Farm House Rodeo. I heard they put hay bales in the front yard and members would sit on the them and drink until they fell over. Last man on his bale won the rodeo. Sounds about right.


Speaking of bales.... The President Of The Graveyard of Empires says "hey America, thanks for the bales of cash!" In fairness Afghan President Karzai called the payments a "small amount," which is probably horseshit. What do we get for our C.I.A. funneled cash payments? I'm sure some of the money ended up with people who used the funds to kill American soldiers. And I can't imagine all that dough sloshing around Godforesaken Afghanistan without some of it washing up against the heroin trade, but I'm just spitballin' here.  

I found this backgrounder on the Boston Bomber's family interesting. Meanwhile The Daily Mail reports the Saudis warned the U.S. about the elder brother after they refused him entrance for a pilgrimage to Mecca. As we learned with 9-11 the Saudis like Jihadis best when their someone else's problem. We'll see if we ever get any satisfactory answers as to why this clown wasn't kicked out of the country. Also, what friends young brother had!

Want to read a really scary article about fracking? Read it anyway.

Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi had yet another dispatch this week. This one is just as depressing as the others. The cleaning up of mortgage malpractice never really happened.

Did you read about this survey? An alarming number of Americans believe we may need an armed revolution soon. There are two problems with this. 1. At some point having a revolution involves effort. 2. What do you think is going to happen when you start said revolution? I know we can become frustrated when things don't seem to be right, but seriously calm the fuck down. Also of note a large minority of those surveyed believe they're being lied to on Sandy Hook. Again, seriously... calm the fuck down.


Deadspin has it about right. The NBA is using Seattle just like the NFL uses L.A. Seattle is the league's arena boogeyman! "Build us a new joint or we're going to Seattle!" The Sacramento Kings will likely not be headed north after the NBA's relocation committee voted against recommending a Seattle ownership group. Here's the fun part! The chair of said committee is Oklahoma City Thunder owner and all around creep Clay Bennett. Watch this movie, it's pretty good.

Not to be outdone the owner of the Cubs has threatened to move his shitty team out of Wrigley if he doesn't get a new scoreboard. That's laughable on it's face. What this is really about is the 17% revenue share the Cubs cut with building owners across the street. The proposed scoreboard would kill their business. The Cubbies kind of painted themselves into a corner with this one. I smell Oklahoma City Cubs!

Even with Jason Collins dominating the news, perhaps you didn't take the time to read his self-penned Sport Illustrated cover story. Don't miss it. Years ago former major league journeyman Billy Bean (not the A's GM) wrote a great book about his life as a closeted athlete. 

Great piece in USA Today last week on the Braves' Evan Gattis. What a road for this 25 year old rookie. Clinically depressed, wandering America working a series a dead end jobs only to make the Braves out of spring training and rake.

I'll be writing more soon on baseball and specifically the weird first month and change of the season. If you're wondering as I am about the collapse of Josh Hamilton read this. Yes it's filled with mind numbing sabermetrics, but the conclusion is unmistakable. Hamilton is swinging his bat like a lab rat pushing the cheese lever. 

Jet fan! Feeling great about Geno Smith? Everything about this kid is screaming head case. Perfect for Rex Ryan's "confused quarterback-centric" offense. Tim Tebow got the gas pipe of course and it didn't take the wise acres long to have their fun. 

And lastly in sports why was this kid wandering across an NBA court with his pants down?

And Finally Tonight

A 14 year old Chicago teen learned a valuable life lesson when the prostitute he hired online stole his Ipad and Piggy Bank. She's been arrested. Yes I choose to believe he was going to pay her by cracking open his piggy bank.