As a lifelong comedy fan, I had a personal epiphany. Many of my favorite characters in comedy are not very good nor likeable people. In fact, those shortcomings are exactly why I find them so funny. There is something very satisfying about seeing the arrogant, selfish, dishonest, or just plain stupid get their just desserts. Perhaps that explains why I like dark Britcoms like “Chef" or “Absolutely Fabulous.” They are wonderful opportunities to laugh at jerks getting a deserved comeuppance.
One of my top five favorite television programs is “M*A*S*H.” In terms of characters, the dark military satire was rich with diversity. Personnel ranged from the kind and noble to the cruel and hateful. The latter often contributed to the show’s funniest moments. That is why I present The Douchebaggery of “M*A*S*H.”
I think most viewers agree that Major Frank Burns was the least likeable regular on “M*A*S*H.” The chronic coward, liar, bully, and philanderer hid behind a façade of patriotism and religion. For an alleged Christian, he had nothing but contempt for his fellow surgeons, nurses, and corpsmen. In terms of characterization, the late Larry Linville was a masterful actor who admitted that he played Frank Burns as despicable and slimy as possible. He was quite successful in making us laugh at this severely flawed human being.
When Burns had a nervous breakdown and went A.W.O.L., he was replaced by Major Charles Emerson Winchester. A blueblood from Boston, Winchester took a dislike to almost everyone at the 4077, simply because they weren’t from his “high society.” Though snobbish, pompous, and entitled, Winchester was highly intelligent and an excellent surgeon. Occasionally, he would come down from his high horse and show incredible kindness and generosity to his comrades. He could, on occasion, not be such a douchebag. Credit David Ogden Stiers with skillfully characterizing a man who was both loathsome and admirable.
Almost as slimy as Frank Burns was his paramour, Major Margaret Houlihan. Though a top-notch nurse who often saw through Frank’s stupidity, she appeared to have advanced in the army by romancing top generals. Houlihan and Burns fed off of each other’s negativity, being equally despicable, especially in terms of how they treated subordinates.
Margaret had a very abusive relationship with company clerk Radar O’Reilly. This was not a superior officer playing hardball with an incompetent subordinate. This was pure bullying. Houlihan had no real reason to be hostile towards the efficient and hard-working corporal. She treated him coldly and rudely simply because she could. Enlisted personnel have very little recourse against commissioned officers, and Margaret Houlihan took full advantage of the situation.
Like most well-written shows, Margaret Houlihan grew as a character. With Frank Burns gone, she became a strong woman with zero tolerance for sexism. She actually tuned into a decent individual with compassion for her staff.
While Captains Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John McIntyre were beloved characters, both had douchebag moments. Both were capable of inappropriately imposing themselves upon female personnel, fancying themselves “God's Gift to Women.” They could also be dishonest. In an early episode, the pair stole Colonel Blake’s antique desk to trade it for much-needed antibiotics on the black market. At least the theft was for a noble purpose.
Both surgeons even had lapses of medical ethics. Learning that a patient had committed war atrocities, Trapper nearly cut off his life-supporting I.V. drip. Hawkeye talked him out of it. Pierce once poisoned a colonel whose unit had a high casualty rate. Since the toxic symptoms resembled appendicitis, Hawkeye unnecessarily removed the officer's healthy appendix to take him off of the front line. At least friend B.J. Hunicutt had the conscience to chastise Pierce for the unnecessary surgery.
The true king of douchey dishonesty at the 4077 was Corporal Max Klinger. A lazy ne’er-do-well from Toledo, Ohio, Klinger thought he could receive a psychological discharge by feigning insanity. At first, he dressed in women’s clothing. When that didn’t work, he opted for more ridiculous schemes, like eating a Jeep. When Radar was shipped home, Klinger became the new company clerk. We soon discovered that the homesick Ohioan was a conniving wheeler-dealer at obtaining supplies, often lying or stealing to get them. Somehow, Klinger had a natural charm that won over others to overlook his douchebaggery.
Of course, we cannot forget recurring characters of dubious integrity. Sergeant Zelmo Zale was a quartermaster who sold supplies to the black market. Sergeant Luther Rizzo was a motor pool mechanic who spent more time sleeping under Jeeps than repairing them. The best recurring douche had to be C.I.A. agent Colonel Flagg. Slimy, arrogant, and utterly incompetent, the spy found Frank Burns too liberal for his liking. His vile personality made Colonel Sam Flagg perhaps the funniest character on “M*A*S*H.”
As with many characters I find funny, I love to laugh at them. I wouldn’t necessarily want to know them.