On Any Given Sunday - by Pete Vogel

NFL Corporate Headquarters, New York City, USA

Dear Stakeholders:

We had a profitable Fourth Quarter but I know there will be ways to make First Quarter 2016 even more profitable than Fourth Quarter 2015.  We have many high-volume television broadcasts that could net a record yield, so we must attack with a ferocity we haven’t seen in awhile.

For instance, this Sunday our New England branch will be hosting a live television event on primetime with our Denver branch, and we expect the match-up to yield high ratings, perhaps the highest since Fourth Quarter 2015 (when the Green Bay branch hosted the Seattle branch).  With the additions/transfers that have taken place in the last couple of years, we think the product(s) on the field will match the expectations of our shareholders and customers in both the New England and Denver markets.  It’s also possible to yield a big return in other markets as well, given the potential product that will be presented Sunday evening.  

We mustn’t forget the New England branch is currently yielding near-perfect numbers, so we think this will definitely boost ratings.  They could be better at third-down percentages and red-zone efficiency, but their win-loss record is still perfect and sales have been exceptional in the New England Main Office (aka. Gillette Field).  I’ve been in touch with both branch managers – Mr. Bellicheck and Mr. Kubiak – and informed them of the lofty expectations from this live television event.  They said we’ll be proud of the product(s) presented on the playing field and both have enforced this sense of urgency with staff and personnel.  We definitely hope our Denver customers in particular will enjoy the live television broadcast that should warrant the highest Nielsen ratings of First Quarter 2016.  Their transfer from our Indianapolis branch, Mr. Peyton Manning, will not be performing tonight, but we can assure this won’t affect our ratings too drastically.  We’ve embraced a new ad campaign within the Creative Services Team: “Can the unproven second stringer take his place amongst the elite?”  We anticipate high numbers indeed, at least until the beginning of the second session of the broadcast.

I’ve contacted Media Central from the National Broadcasting Corporation [NBC] who is hosting the live television event in front of a sold-out stadium audience, and told the Sunday Night Football Media Team to hype this event to draw in the highest Nielsen Ratings possible.  We’ve had numerous meetings with our Live Broadcast Crew and have told them the gravity of this particular event; so far, Mr. Collingsworth and Mr. Michaels have expressed great enthusiasm over the prospects of the event.  They spent an extra couple days looking through the numbers and feel confident this will be an extremely high yield.  I just hope nothing happens to quell this enthusiasm: We all witnessed the unfortunate event that took place on Thanksgiving day, when a customer was able to break free, run onto the field and express a political/moral/religious cause that disrupted our broadcast.  Hopefully nothing will happen in our Denver Branch this Sunday night.  Nothing ruins a live television event more than spontaneous acts of lunacy.  We can’t afford this kind of mishap on Sunday night.

We’ve hired extra police and security details for this Sunday’s event, largely due to the unforeseen tragedy of Paris a few weeks back.  We hope that no such circumstances will curtail our live feed this Sunday.  It’s important that we’re militant in creating a flawless broadcast for our shareholders and customers.

So far the expectation level has been unsurpassed this Quarter, largely due to the fact that the New England branch has had some negative media fallout due to the Fiscal 2015 Playoff Scandal involving the Indianapolis branch.  All expect some blowback from our New England employee, Mr. Tom Brady, who has done a remarkable job of maintaining his poise while under siege.  If this is the game that he comes unhinged, think of what great television we’ll be broadcasting to our customers?  I’m sure our New England customers won’t find this too enjoyable, but I guarantee the rest of the market would LOVE to see this happen!  I’m practically giddy at the prospects!

It’s very important that we treat this game with the same level of importance as the Playoff Television Broadcasts and the Super Bowl Television Broadcasts.  I cannot be more clear about this: if we want to increase marketshare and surpass our 2015 numbers, tonight has to run smoothly on all cylinders: from media relations, player relations, personnel relations, uniform enforcement, broadcast team, all the way down to cameramen, network liaisons and producers.  This is the game to end all games for First Quarter—we must not screw this up.  And if we do, my meeting with Mr. Goodell this Friday will not be a pleasant one.  We could count our Christmas bonuses goodbye if we screw this up.

Yours,

Mr. I.M.A. Patsy

Browns Talk w/ The North Coast Posse: Big Money and K-Dubs the Soldier

Click here for previous NCP story.

Browns 0 - 1. Sunday opponent at home vs New Orleans Saints. 1 p.m. kick.

Big Money:  Well, it’s Week Two and I’m confused by this strange feeling circulating through my veins: I think fans of other teams call it “positivity.”  Specifically I’m encouraged by the play of Brian Hoyer, which was aided by Shanahan tempering his fortunate son ego and going no-huddle.  Let’s hope Kyle continues this trend in Week Two.  It was also impressive to see Coach Pettine refuse to crumble at the half and instead spur some worthwhile adjustments. 

Directly underneath this positivity, though, is a firm layer of concern.  Number one on that list is special teams. Now that the dust has settled it’s evident that failure on almost every aspect of special teams contributed to the loss.  The fake punt that flipped field position, Chris Kirksey’s inability to down a punt, lack of confidence in placekicker Billy Cundiff’s leg, and Travis Benjamin’s poor decision making on returns all were instrumental in stifling the comeback and must be addressed. 

Stock up/stock down?

Big Money: Up: Johnny football, not for anything he has done on the field of course, but because Jerry Jones is probably nearing a level of desperation where he may offer a decade of 1st round picks for the Snickers- munching Q.B. Munchkin. 

Down: Billy Cundiff, he was already a penny stock, but you have to drop an NFL kicker who isn’t trustworthy past 50 yards on a mild September day.

K-Dubs the Soldier: Up: Terrance West.  After coming in for the injured Ben Tate, the rookie running back showed good vision and elusiveness on his way to a 100-yard game.  Fellow rookie Isaiah Crowell had a big game, as well, exhibiting a punishing running style on his way to the end zone, twice.

Down: After seeing the Browns’ punter Spencer Lanning get kicked in the face, I have to go with Lanning’s sensei.  You’ve got to block those flying tiger kicks, son.   

BROWNS Q&A

Q)  Did Hoyer’s performance in the second half put the Manziel talk to rest for a while?

Big Money: Short answer: God, I hope so

K-Dubs the Soldier: Had the 2nd half gone as atrociously as the 1st half, I think the amount of clamoring from the Manziel contingent of Browns fans would have been more obnoxious than at any time since the draft.  But the 2nd half was actually exciting and hope-inducing.  Hoyer looked strong in running the no-huddle offense.  He was generally decisive, efficient, and accurate.  He did hold the ball too long on a few snaps and took sacks at critical times, but overall he played well.  I expect him to keep improving and for Johnny to be riding the swan, er, pine for a while.

Q)  What do you think the loss of running back Ben Tate for 2-4 weeks means for the team?

Big Money:  I’m not too concerned.  This running attack is going to be predicated on the ability of Mack, Thomas and company mastering the Shanahan zone-blocking scheme.  If the 2nd half of last week was any indication things are heading in the right direction Tate or no Tate.

K-Dubs the Soldier:  Well, the Browns lost Tate early on Sunday, and didn’t miss a beat.  The team averaged more than 6 yards per carry for the game.  As long as the offensive line continues to wear down opposing front sevens, I think the Browns will be able to move the ball on the ground effectively, even without their number one running back.  Until West shows he can be a reliable receiver out of the backfield, though, I think the team will miss Tate in the passing game.

Q) Who would you like to see LeBron start in place of this week?

Big Money:  This week I’d task LeBron with starting at tight end. No way he loses his balance the way J Cameron did in the 1st quarter against Pittsburgh. 

K-Dubs the Soldier:  I’d love to see LeBron start in place of wideout Miles Austin.  He was all but invisible against the Steelers, with two catches for 20 yards on three targets.  Without suspended receiver Josh Gordon, the Browns need to stretch the field.  Who better to do that than a 6ft. 9in. speedster that can jump out of the stadium? 

Q) Prediction for Saints game?

Big Money:  Although I referenced my positivity, I cringe at the idea of Justin Gilbert attempting to stop a Brees led-passing attack.  Saints 38  Browns 24.

K-Dubs the Soldier:  The Saints defense was porous last week, giving up 37 points and 571 yards of offense to the Falcons.  I expect the Browns to be able to move the ball, both on the ground and through the air, and put up points.  But the offense is going to have to keep pace with Brees and his precision passing attack.  In the first half last week, Ben Roethlisberger had a career high in passing yards for one half, and I’m expecting some big numbers this week for Brees, too.  Watch for a shoot-out, with the Browns coming up just short.  Saints 31  Browns 27.