Achtung! This essay contains salty language. Proceed at your own risk.
Pandora World HQ - Wednesday, March 5th
"What?!? Goddamn it, I'm busy!"
"Sorry to bother you sir. This is Johnson from sector 7-G and we have a situation developing that I thought you should be aware of."
"What have you got?"
"It appears that a customer from the Columbus, Ohio area created a "Texas Tornados" channel around 6am this morning and it has been streaming for over five hours. The Music Genome is struggling to find compatible songs and I'm worried it may overheat and crash the entire network."
"Let me get this straight, some asshole from Ohio started a Texas Tornados channel in the middle of the goddamn longest winter in 200 years and he is just letting it ride?"
"That is correct, sir"
"Jesus Fucking Christ. This is all we need. Did you send him "Are you still listening?" messages?
"Yes sir, eight separate times and he keeps responding yes. It appears he is enjoying the music and plans to continue."
"There has to be a simple explanation. Was "Tin Cup" on last night?"
"No sir, that was the first thing I checked. It's not scheduled on TNT until next Tuesday."
"GODDAMN IT! Why is he doing this? Did you work with the NSA on intel?"
"Yes, we checked his e-mail and cellphone records but nothing much came up. His credit card showed a $75 dollar charge for a "Donkey Show" in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, but that was from 1998. He did post on the Facebook page of a dive called "Colin's Coffee" that he was going to play some Tex-Mex music because it feels like spring outside."
"Spring outside? My report shows it's only 21 degrees in Columbus right now. That doesn't sound like spring to me, Johnson. And what the hell is Tex-Mex music? Do we even have the category?"
"With all due respect sir, there are many unanswered questions. That is why I called you. Our analyst thinks that "Tex-Mex" music is a reference to "Tejano Music". There has been some linguistic confusion in areas of North America where the popular "Tex-Mex" restaurant Chi Chi's was once prominent."
"Give it to me in English, Johnson"
"These assholes from Ohio don't know shit about "Tejano Music." Sir, I don't want to alarm you, but the lightbulbs in my office are starting to flash and we are down to our last Flaco Jimenez record. We are running out of songs!"
"Think. There has to be something we can do. Think. Goddamn it, think..."
"Sir, the sirens are going off. People are starting to scramble for the doors. Should we abandon ship and play our emergency song? It's the only thing that can save us..."
"Sweet Mother of Mary, I hoped this day would never come. Do it Johnson, do it. It's the only song not by the Shins that plays on every station...."
Now playing on Texas Tornados Pandora Channel: Old Time Rock n Roll - Bob Seger.
Colin Gawel clearly has too much time on his hands at Colin's Coffee. And yes, the Texas Tornado channel really did play "Old Time Rock n Roll."